


Harry Potter And The Sorcer... Philosop... Demented Headmaster(?)

by Valentine20xx



Series: Harry Potter And The Dungeon Heart [1]
Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Dungeon Keeper (Video Games), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Overlord (Triumph Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sailor Moon Fusion, Crystal Tokyo Isn't Happening, Dark but not Evil Harry Potter, Evil Always Finds A Way, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valentine20xx/pseuds/Valentine20xx
Summary: Within the magical world, there is only one person who can defeat Lord Voldemort, and he's being raised to be borderline suicidal and ready to die. Thankfully, apparently, he just died and joined the forces of Darkness, since, when Good is corrupt, ahem, Evil Always Finds A Way...Previously, Previously... and Previously yet again posted on Fanfiction.net. I think this is the first time on AO3 though.





	1. A Not-So-Typical Morning... Or 'Vernon's Most Unusual Day'

**Author's Note:**

> We wish to apologize, yet again, for this story getting reposted. Fanfiction.net was useless for stripping formatting, not allowing several useful features, and generally being a bit dire in the long run.
> 
> So, we're posting this somewhere else, again, and hoping this time it'll get finished. Excuse me while I go check the pilot light in Hell.

_ Welcome, Welcome. You may call me the Mentor. Any resemblance to any of the work of Richard Ridings is wholly and completely intentional, and I will not apologize for it. I will apologize however for the abysmal luck this story has had in progressing in any meaningful way. _

_ That is very much unintentional. Maybe if Nintendo didn't make such good games, it would progress at a decent speed, and maybe even have been done several years ago, never mind being done by this side of Christmas. And yes, I know how long it is since Christmas. _

_ Disclaimer: The Author does not claim ownership of any franchise listed below. They do own a PC that has seen better days, a rather snazzy Samsung, an XBOX One S, and yes, they do own Overlord, and the thrice-be-damned Switch (SW3210-4646-0725). If you wish to add them to your Switch friend list, please read this line again. It's right there. _

_ If you can't see it, Get some glasses! If you already wear glasses, I worry about you. Your prescription is clearly abysmal. _

_ Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling, who shows clear signs she planned it by the seat of her pants, by the fact it's got some of the worst continuity checks ever. That or there's one severely bludgeoned muse somewhere. _

_ Dungeon Keeper belongs to Electronic Arts UK, formerly known as Bullfrog Productions. EA should just die. The sheer irony of this project is hilarious. _

_ Labyrinth belongs to the Jim Henson Company, and we wish to express our deep condolences to the families of both Mr. Bowie and Mr. Henson. They were both great, great visionaries. _

_ Overlord belongs to Codemasters. Evil Will Always Find A Way. Ms. Prachett, We thank you for filling a gap in the gaming landscape. We do not thank Codemasters for continually forgetting to count to 3. _

_ Sailor Moon belongs to Toei Animation. Hotaru's appearance is based mostly on the original manga interpretation, rather than the anime, but has elements which are not from either. Mainly since the traditional seifuku is out of date. Way out of date. Even Kirameki High doesn't use it any more! _

_ Girl Genius belongs to the Foglios. Make sure to have a nice hat ready for when the Sparks happen. A very nice hat. A vunderful hat. As good a hat as you can find. Oh yes, and a really really good blast shield. M5 Industries proved, over several years, quite how good of one you need. _

_ ...He belongs to Lydia Deetz. The franchise, oh, that belongs to Time Warner. He won't be appearing. We got a restraining order. However, all references to the Afterlife reference His series. _

_We begin with a simple incident, and thought experiment..._

_A man walks into a door. _ _After dusting himself off and dealing with anything mildly bruised by his bout of literal-minded stupidity, he tries to walk through the door, gets stuck, then eventually manages to figure out that he needs to open the door then walk through the doorway, and is presented with a room containing two doors. _ _Where does he go from there? This is a classic example of a prat-fall, narrative causality and Chaos Theory. Maybe more than one version of the man remembered to open the damn door before he walked into it. What kind of idiot bloody forgets, but I digress…_

_ Maybe, some men walked through the wall instead. Mr. Banner, please, control your temper at perfectly good walls. Oh yes, and Norse gods. It's getting expensive. _ _Other men may well have ignored that voice in his head telling him to take the left door, and ended up breaking reality in surreal and frankly annoying ways…_

_Look, People like him have jobs you know, so stop ignoring it! Sheesh. Maybe I'm overthinking it though. Who cares about the goddamn door! I'd just climb on the desks and jump out of the nearest window. And _**_don't dare_** _loiter in the broom cupboard! You don't work for CBBC!_

_ Ahem. This is a story that is all about the effects of Chaos, and what happens when it is brought into the life of a typical boy wizard… Ahem, I said 'Typical'. Any resemblance to the stories of Percy Jackson, I said 'boy wizard', not 'demi-god', or Negi Springfield… He's not typical, by any stretch of the imagination, so we wish to apologize profusely in those situations. __However, Any resemblance to the story of _ ** _Harry Potter_ ** _ , if you find issue with that, look up the page, just below the Archive Of Our Own infobox. Go on, We're waiting… _ ** _Of course it would resemble Harry's story, you bloody idiot!_**

_ Admittedly, We wish to apologize for some of the resemblances to the story of Mr. Potter. Apparently, due to powers beyond our control, we are unable to avoid the machinations of meddling, borderline senile old fools, sadistic toadies, emphasis on toad and evil men with the subtlety, power base, oratory skill and moral code of Donald Trump. _ _That or evil masterminds who apparently got the job since they ARE a good orator and apparently know how to use an anagram to befuddle wizards._

_Not hard. A chinese finger trap could disarm a wizard. That or a wood chipper. However, the finger trap can be got from a pound store. Much cheaper. But you can’t push a wizard into a finger trap._

_ Leaving that, Harry Potter's life is a perfect example of Murphy's Law as well as Schrodinger's Law. If someone with a lick of sense heard the ramblings of a perpetually drunk fortune teller, where she declared that due to some vague requirements, the only one who would defeat the aforementioned evil mastermind is, more than likely, Mr. Potter, he'd probably have at least two or three wives… _

_ ...I personally suggest at least the Lovegood girl, her name reeks of the same potential as most of the women the Bond family have dated…. _

_ ...and a frankly ridiculous number of children… and more than likely the bastard would have been defeated without him. However, similar to that little thing about cats and boxes… _

** Good tip is that, if there's no air holes in the box, the cat's probably dead, you berk… **

_ Since there were witnesses, and one of them was the most obvious spy in history, next to Mr. Smart, the prophecy was declared true. They do know that most prophecies fulfil themselves without outside… _

_ Oh wait, I forgot, We're talking about Wizards… _

_ Damn it it all to Hell… _

_ Oh wait, We were going to do that anyway. Never mind. Let's instead look in on a sick, depraved man..._

Albus Dumbledore sucked on a lemon drop as he studied...

_ Ahem, Excuse me while I ki… ck a minion over that mistake. Wrong sick, depraved man… The fat walrus, not the tall, slim possibly gay man with a fondness for evil wizards who enjoy murdering everyone! We'll look in on _ ** _him_ ** _ later! There's cheap labour, and there's minions. Let's try starting the story again. Dammit! All of that lead-up, and they fuck it up..._

Vernon Dursley glared at the sight before him. It wasn't anything to do with his breakfast, which was ample and perfectly cooked. It wasn't anything to do with his coffee, which was just as he liked it and in his favourite mug. It wasn't even the mail, which was already sorted. It wasn't even the weather, which was sunny and mild, with little chance of rain… for a change. It was that all of this exemplary good fortune had come from his nephew being up early and having done all of this without a single shouted word. In fact, it was all done ahead of time and in complete silence.

He distinctly remembered that his wife was staying over at Muriel's, helping her recover from a minor incident involving one of her dogs, the postman and Muriel getting a sprained leg. He'd even worn his special belt, with the particularly good snap when it was used to deal out punishments...

However, he'd not even needed to undo his belt in warning. This meant that the Boy had done it all without being prompted. That was frankly Unusual, and usually meant that he would be finding out something even more Unusual had happened. He checked the mail with the same discretion and hunger as a fox with a chicken coop. The Boy had, in his diligence, allowed him to see a familiar crest. A Letter From School. These almost always made him happy, as he got to give the Boy ten of the best for whatever foolish thing he'd done this time. He opened it with barely disguised glee, The Boy not even flinching where he was doing cleaning.

However, when he opened the letter, Vernon's face fell. It wasn't about the Boy giving him an excuse to beat him raw. It wasn't even something that involved the boy directly. It was a follow-up letter, after one that had claimed that there was possible evidence of his son, Dudley, stealing from students. That had been Dealt With safely, and with little fanfare…

...and a nice series of detentions for the Boy when the stolen items were found in his school locker. He was now claiming, a ridiculous notion, that Dudley's grades were 'below acceptable', and he was planning a Visit. This was a crisis. He would be busy with just this one letter for most of the day, reassuring the poor misguided fool that there was nothing to worry about, and making a grand gesture of comparing them with Harry's, which _would_ be below acceptable. He had assurances of that.

Quickly making his way through the other letters, mostly bills and another request from Gringotts Bank for an accountancy check from Mr. Williams concerning his spending habits of the support money he got for the Boy, He was inwardly annoyed, but outwardly satisfied. He'd post another apology that he couldn't come in for a few weeks, and leave it at that. Nothing would come of it. He'd not yet actually deigned to attend one of those visits, since he knew he couldn't account for a single penny of it. So, he’d so far managed to avoid attending all of them.

_ Mr. Williams is indeed also known as Jareth Williams. He took his queen's last name for muggle affairs. Gringotts prides itself on the fact that every letter they sent Mr. Dursley was printed on normal paper, with a nice neat corporate letterhead, with a nice normal address. _

_ Unlike most magicals, he actually understands how to make a good impression on lesser beings. And when to just throw them in the nearest sewage pit when they truly are lesser beings, or are suicidally stupid. None of his Bankers are like that. He _ **never** _ needs to _ **manage** _ them. __They do not pride themselves on the fact he bullshitted them every single time they sent him a letter. Or the fact the accountancy statements and other paperwork that would have allowed Mr. Potter to find out was unfortunately in Row 12, Box 14 within a vast room that contained all non-perishable mail sent to him._

_ This was supposedly due to someone forgetting to screen most of it for curses. We hope. If there's another reason he didn't get said mail, Mr. Williams will be having a _ **nice chat** _ with the owner of the room. Hopefully not involving his castle's sewage runoff. He gets complaints when that happens. Some of them not from his wife or daughter. They have told him repeatedly to drain the stinking swamp that the runoff caused, and turn it into a much less pungent meadow, with the runoff moving about underneath where it won't affect anyone._

Once he'd satisfied himself about the mail, he summoned Dudley to deal with the pressing problem of Dudley's grades. Of course, he didn't address the real problem, that his son was thicker than two short planks. That would be pro-active and sensible. "Dudley, I just got a rather bad letter from your headmaster. He is worried about your grades," Vernon stated, "I'd not mind if it was the Boy's grades that required special attention, but how can we get my good friend promoted to replace the headmaster, with his suspicions about your grades as well as Harry's?! If that fool of a headmaster remains in charge, Smeltings won't be happening! You'll be sent to Remedial School! It would tarnish our family for years!"

"I'm sorry, Dad… But, you remember… The library..." Dudley tried, Vernon grumbling. Harry had ruined a few things that day for them both, due to his rampant theft...

_ A little bit of background for a moment. Dudley's school headmaster had, several times already, questioned why the Boy, actually known as Harry, had grades which were abysmal in an almost regular progression, namely, within tolerances, always a fairly uniform level below Dudley's. __Almost like they were required to be, and maybe even someone took Harry into a small room whenever one of his tests did exceed Dudley’s grades, and _ **politely** _ asked him to correct the several clear mistakes he did in his work that meant he was creeping to the top of the class again._

_ Of course, according to the Deputy Headmaster, it was all rubbish and there was nothing to worry about, and he'd look into it, with him even planning, as part of a reward for Vernon's sterling friendship with him, to back Dudley going to the prestigious Smeltings with a glowing letter of recommendation. _ _However, the headmaster himself wasn't planning to help, and in fact was claiming that Dudley's grades were worryingly low, and he had an ongoing discipline problem that needed rooting out. He even had a rather large folder containing reports over when discreetly planted students reported that Dudley was stealing or bullying._

_ Oddly, despite the fact the planted students swore Dudley did it, when the Deputy openly investigated, Harry was found to have done every single one, and detentions were handed out to Harry on an almost daily basis. And daily if he actually tried to raise anything with the headmaster about how he was being singled out... _

_ The headmaster had no idea that folder would be burned the moment the headmaster was fired on Vernon's orders, with Harry planned to be sent to St. Brutus School to be forgotten, paperwork ready to be given to the headmaster declaring that, unfortunately, they felt that Harry's behavioural problems were so bad that he might as well stay there. _ _Vernon was satisfied, once he'd finished there, that any further potential problems would be already dealt with. Preferably involving a body floating in a ditch. And not his. He hadn't broken the rules of the Letter, it wasn't his fault if the Boy had a terrible accident..._

_ Now to the library. The library was a master stroke by Dudley and his gang. Harry had been found with several expensive reference library books, along with proof he had been trying to remove the security features, which had seen him get a lifetime ban from the library, and Dudley was given a temporary ban for not notifying the librarian of his cousin's suspicious activity. _ _However, as you can probably guess, the reality was far less clear cut._

_Harry was never anywhere near the reference library section. He'd dumped his bag, filled with rocks from a particularly hilarious prank by Dudley, which had been planned well in advance, before going to read in the young adults section, and had been there all the time. _ _ While he did that, Dudley grabbed a handful of random books, not even looking at the titles, as he dropped the rocks out of an open window, while some of his friends used a small iron to remove the security features off the reference library books, premarked with Harry's name, just to make sure the right person got punished. As in ‘Not them’. _

_ Most of them were dropped out of a particularly bad spot in the security camera coverage, fixed a few weeks later, while the rest went in his bag, which was carefully checked to weigh practically the same as it did earlier. Notably, Dudley didn't do either of those parts, since he only understood weights when he was lifting them. _ _When Harry picked up his bag, having not been able to get any books out, due to losing his right to tickets when he apparently vandalized some books he borrowed a few months back, a new security feature, involving small magnetic strips, caused him to set off the alarm and he was found with all the evidence._

_ Later, he apparently attempted to sell even more of their missing reference library in the local classifieds. It was at that point he was forbidden from ever entering any library in the area, with threats of police action if he didn't return the books immediately. Ergo, Lifetime ban, and Dudley got a slap on the wrist. And the right people _ **didn’t** _ get punished. Dudley did get lightly punished for putting the wrong books in his bag when he swept his library books into his bag a couple of times, then he figured out the new cameras existed._

Vernon sighed. He was still not happy right now, even more so since there hadn't been anything Unusual yet. This was, in itself, Unusual, but not in the right way. Hopefully, Dudley's grades would improve soon. He tried to think when Harry's pocket money ban would end. He'd have to, again, put a bit more pressure on the local busybodies who thought it would be a good idea to give Harry odd jobs around the area, encouraging them to give them to Dudley again. He had been incensed when they'd claimed Dudley kept swiping their valuables.

Some of them were even planning on getting cheap security cameras, which might show what Dudley claimed was false.

"Boy..." Vernon stated, trying hard to keep his voice calm, and not to show any appreciation for what he'd done that morning. He might get ideas about getting more of his numerous revoked privileges back. Or even some of them actually offered.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon?" The Boy asked, with just the right amount of trepidation and worry. He'd done well to coach the Boy into not betraying how scared he really was of repercussions. It put him in good standing when asked about things at school. If he sounded just right, the Deputy Headmaster didn’t even ask until it was already on the Headmaster’s desk. As a result, he was actually avoiding half as many supposedly random detentions.

"We will be going out to pick up Petunia shortly..." Vernon began, ready to 'request' the Boy stay there, preferably locked in his cupboard. Well, He wasn't only going to pick up Petunia. She was just on the way.

"Umm… Uncle, Is it alright if I stay behind?" The Boy asked fearfully, "I heard some strange, worrying noises under my bed, and when I got up this morning, they rang… hollow. I'm worried, Uncle..."

Vernon got up to walk up to the Boy and give him a beating for speaking out of turn, when he frowned. His footsteps were echoing more than they should, and that was most definitely Unusual. Potentially Expensive even. However, in being interrupted, he'd not had to lie quite as badly about the real reason he was going out. Finally, if something did happen that caused the Boy harm…

The Letter was not specific about things like that, It didn’t cover Acts Of God at all. As he was leaving, he decided to get one last snipe in, just to make sure the Boy's last words from him were less than complimentary...

"As long as the house is still standing when I get back… One of the letters was your recent grades, and they're deplorable..." Vernon finished firmly, a flat lie, Vernon only got Dudley's grades, as part of an experiment by the Headmaster, "Now, go into your... room and poke around for a bit..."

An hour later, Anything he couldn't afford to lose if there was a problem with the house was stuffed into the back of the car, as well as a large loose leaf binder of insurance paperwork for the things he could afford to lose, so he wouldn't need to deal with explaining where his paperwork was. This was lucky for him when he arrived back from the meeting to find the residents of Number 2 and Number 6 looking ominously at a hole in the ground where their homes were ready to fall into, which had once been his house, but was now spewing fire from a broken gas main while the broken water main drained water into the depths.

He had the politeness and mental fortitude to simply pretend he'd just been reversing into the street and headed right back out, straight back to Marge's house, while assuring his son that anything they'd not been able to recover would be replaced as soon as possible. For the first time since that morning, he was truly happy with the day. A few days later, he was even happier as he finished a meeting with a nice man with a nice big bank account, who happily signed off on replacing the items that were lost when the house was destroyed, and an equally nice police officer who was happy to hear no-one was in at the time, due to the immense luck that no-one had asked about the boy.

_ And that, dear readers, is the last we're likely to hear about the life of Vernon Dursley, or any of his family, and that is simply Perfect. We wish to add that the broken water main was repurposed for use as part of the Dungeon's water supply until we were able to fit a proper bypass. The number of baths and showers mandated for some minions went up to a whole five times a week. The rest actually understand hygiene. _

_ As an aside, Harry’s grades had actually increased above Dudley’s rather noticeably, and they only found out when it was already well and truly too late to do anything. And that’s not just because the house collapsed. He barely managed to avoid losing the Smelting's recommendation, but he'd completely lost control of Dudley's school._

_ Also, Yes, Considering my vitriol about EA, I do know who was brought in to do the voice of the Horned Reaper for the mobile game and about the online game. No, I do not feel EA properly marketed either of them. And the mobile game is still downloadable, _ _ despite the fact every review of it was vile. _ _ How is that right?! _ _ I'd have accepted the chinese game getting localised, but to keep that vile piece of… running!__ You'd almost think that EA make it part of their current mission statement to lie, cheat and defraud people out of their hard earned money through micro-transactions…_

_Umm… Excuse me for a minute, an Imp handed me a missive. Oh right. As of the past few months, They DID. __Unofficially, Good for them, but, as Dungeon Keeper is a former Bullfrog license, I officially wish to offer them a trip into Hell, no expenses paid. Not even the funeral ones. _ _ I know full well that if you spent that much on an imp in real life, you're being scammed. And if an imp took that long to dig out a block of earth, I'd suspect he was taking bribes to boot. __And both of those are outright criminal._

We now move to shortly before the Boy woke up. The Boy shall henceforth be known as Harry James Potter, to deal with several issues with comprehension by particularly thick Minions. Admittedly, you show me a smart Minion, I'll show you a funny bear. As far as I know, They both don't exist. This part of the story begins with one of them, specifically an Imp. A particularly vile subspecies of a dumb, but coherent species of creature known simply as a Minion, Imps being suspected to be a devolution of the Browns according to our local expert.

Imps have worked for keepers for longer than anyone knows. This isn't helped by the fact that there wasn't a consistent, and coherent writing system when the first one started work, added to the fact that an overwhelmingly large amount of the various species of Minion are universally, without fail, dumber than a brick. As a result, no-one was able to actually figure out how to record the early life of the Minion race with anything resembling a translatable account. Gnarl may possibly know, but he's not willing to talk about it. Partially since, last time he was asked, all he said was that they prove Darwin can be wrong sometimes.

The Imp in question, who earned the title Sinkhole The Thick-Headed from this escapade, was attempting to see how high he could safely dig, an experiment suggested by one of his relatives, whose name was lost to history, when he discovered that the Master's castle had a moat. Well, More the entire dungeon did when said moat emptied into the dungeon and flooded out a perfectly good dungeon, dismissing several drakes and a nest of salamanders when they drowned, and killing many of the other creatures who were working in the dungeon when they were washed away.

He thought he was more intelligent than most Imps as he managed to safely avoid the various pipes, cables and other things that Man had put down there, which one of our sub-contractors had taught him not to hit at digging school, he arrived at some partially rotten, foul-smelling damp planks, having dug out a large amount of the area surrounding them. While he was studying the planks, he abruptly realised something else he'd been taught about in digging school. Suffice it to say that the only reason he survived long enough to earn his new name, a 'proud' moment for the Imp in question, was the fact that his race is nigh-on indestructible.

_ Unlike the regular Minions, who are encouraged to avoid construction work, The Imps, in various digging accidents, have so far managed to almost make themselves extinct several times over. Unfortunately, I stress 'Almost'. They still come back, dumber than ever. _ _The fact that the dungeon Harry fell into had been put into what was effectively 'standby' mode, and had been for several years, due to an unfortunate incident with the prize inside some breakfast cereal, part of an ongoing issue with evil Overlords and choking hazards, was the only reason some of the Imps were still under 'employment' at all._

_ If they had a competent Keeper, they would have immolated them in the Dungeon Heart. An Expert Keeper wouldn't have even considered using such poor grade labour, and would have hired specially trained workers. _ _At least Minions, either the ones that Gnarl employs for Overlords, or the yellow pills in dungarees that, (un)fortunately only work for the Gru family, come in a seemingly endless supply and all have a sick glee in working on any task, and even a few tasks you didn't ask them to work on, but they got bored and did anyway._

_ Admittedly, If I wanted a dumb, haphazardly built construction, I'd point Rabbids at it and explain what I wanted. And maybe get something resembling it. Eventually. Possibly. OK, Never in a million years. Better to employ Lemmings. They'll build anything you need, and then find every health risk in it, and demonstrate every single one. If a lemming walks out of one of their constructs alive, it is usually safe for anyone to walk through._

_ Later study of the incident would show that his exemplary digging had removed entirely the load-bearing portions of the foundations of Number 4 Privet Drive, with the subsidence leaving Number 2 and 6 near-collapse. Later actions by other parties dealt with the ‘near’ part. _ _Unfortunately, the incident also destroyed everything in Number 4, which was annoying since they had a really good television. Admittedly, we'd like to see someone help wire up a TV in an underground cavern. It's hard enough to give a basement dwelling a TV signal, but you tell me how to put Sky TV in a dimensionally transcendental space located nominally several hundred feet below ground level._

_ That is without getting fourteen Imps almost electrocuted, one imp actually electrocuted, plus even worse problems with rain than what the usual subscribers deal with due to how the imp angling the dish did so, meaning it consistently flooded, until they got rid of the bowl shape anyway. Now they keep getting buried by accident... _ _And you wonder why I prefer cable._

Two figures watched Sinkhole plummet towards the Dungeon Heart, a group of four Minions nearby holding up what were ostensibly meant to be numbers, giving him an overall score of -15.9384, Barney The Dinosaur and a production still of a Gremlin, (Which is a new high, in that two of them actually held up a number!)

When he drew near, the taller of the two hit him with the butt-end of a massive scythe, sending him flying into a wall, having initially planned to use the bladed end, while the shorter one looked thoughtful as he scanned the bits of rubble and other wreckage.

"Gnarl, Why are we even here?" The taller figure boomed, "This place reeks of decay and lack of use… As well as general ineptitude… It would be preferential to just bury the Heart under the collapse… Instead you actually are sifting the rubble..."

"Patience, Hornicus, There's something more to this than meets…" The shorter figure stated, before they saw a figure plummeting within the wreckage, "And there it is! A Keeper! A strange way for him to arrive, but the original one choked to death over a decade ago..."

"Hmm..." Hornicus mused, before he grinned toothily as he used his abilities as a Reaper to study them in detail, "And he seems to have a… passenger..."

"Oh bugger, there goes the neighbourhood..." Gnarl stated as Horny's scythe ripped into the head of the future Keeper, not caring about delicacy. They'd be repairing the hole later, and some short-term memory loss wasn't a problem. They didn’t want him remembering his death anyway.

However, the problem came moments after he pulled a black mass out, when a gong sounded and a white owl shot through the corridors, morphing into a furious looking Jareth mid-landing. "GNARL! What are you up to now, you vile, scheming monster?" He snapped. Gnarl cursed. There went the chance to get Sinkhole killed. Again.

"My liege, We were about to summon you. We even had a suitable hapless minion to send with the missive!" Gnarl stated, stuffing a long, bony finger into his ear as if cleaning it out from the sudden noise, digging a large lump of some kind of substance, which he flung at the wall, annoyed that Sinkhole had already been dug out.

A clean hole was burned through the wall, another Imp looking through it curiously before a glare from Hornicus got him repairing the damage. Minions... They made dumb luck an art form. In that they were dumb and overwhelmingly lucky.

"What is one of those wretched THINGS doing Underground?!" Jareth stated, snapping his fingers as a goblin appeared holding a book, the Goblin King taking out a pair of reading glasses as he opened it to a particular page, "The treaty specifically forbids any use of a Horcrux to keep a Keeper… Isn't that right, Hornicus… or Overlord alive once their inner sanctum is breached..."

"Very much so..." Hornicus rumbled, moving to kneel so he was only head-level to the Goblin King, rather than towering over everyone else in the room, "However, this was found IN the wretched lost soul who he hopes to sculpt into a Keeper…. Literally, It was there already… We promise we didn't plan to use a Horcrux in the Underground."

Jareth paused, contemplating the slowly dying figure as he studied the black mass, before sealing it in a crystal, studying it, manipulating the mass of mindless spirit. It barely had any intelligence to it, which made him study it in more detail. A closer check showed it wasn't an Imp, Minion or Lesser Goblin's spirit. While it had barely any intelligence to it, It was still way too intelligent for their horcruxes. And the Keeper still had his whole soul, he already checked that when he arrived.

"Hmm… Yes, this isn't a Keeper's soul..." He mused, before, he added, almost jovially, his entire demeanour changing in a moment, "Could you be able to find me some more pieces of this wretched fool?"

"As long as you remember to waive the finder's fee..." Gnarl offered, "We prefer to keep our heads..."

"The finder's… Oh yes, That fee is only if you have one of your Overlords or Keepers keeping a Horcrux. We barely authorize reliquaries..." Jareth mused, before smiling even more toothily at the goblin he'd summoned earlier.

This was going to turn into an audit. He always loved audits. It’s why he went into banking after his wife defeated him back in the mid-80’s. He especially loved when he got to visit the wretched fools who were being audited, since they were terrified of his visits.

And his banking staff adored audits. They took a 75% share of all assets seized, except if they had a living relative who hadn't pissed them off, where they accepted 65%. If they had a living relative who respected the bank, They'd even go as low as 50%. Anyone else… never got audited.

"I need you to notify Gringotts that we're closing for the next hour, while all tellers and vault runners do a check for any unauthorized reliquaries or soul jars with this soul imprint..." Jareth stated, handing over the crystal, "Once cleansed, charge the owner the usual finder's fee… then bring them in for questioning, and if they aren't able to explain why it was in the vault, well, bankrupt them and feed them to the dragons, If they can, just fine them into poverty. If you happen to find anyone else's soul jars, please ensure to bring it up in the next account review…"

_ Hornicus and Gnarl then were left with the slowly dying person in their midst, and the restoration to something resembling alive and breathing. We will not go into huge detail about the restoration process. It's not pretty. Suffice it to say that any issues with the recently… nearly deceased, such as poor magical growth or eyesight, diagnosed medical problems, undiagnosed medical problems, and anything that may well cause them more harm than good in the long term. _

_ This includes believing politicians and people in power. Unfortunately, we still are unable to deal with any tendencies to impersonate the less desirable traits of certain previously mentioned green haired rodents or guerilla, well, worms. That's a completely different part of the program. _

_ The former is diligently given by this nice guy named Lomax, while the latter is taught by an earthworm named Jim, as well as his bee-styled girlfriend whose name is lost to time. I'm not kidding, It's literally lost. Most people just call her 'What's Her Name' and leave it at that. _ _ Admittedly, considering her sister is the imaginatively named 'Slug For A Butt', we're thankful that her name is lost to time. Very thankful. Immensely thankful. As is she some days. _

_ We also wish to add that the Lestrange family was, from that point onwards, bankrupted down to the last knut. And that wasn’t just since they were lax on the security deposits. Jareth and his family considered for hours if they would return the cup to Hogwarts. And then melted it down anyway. _


	2. How To Make Friends And Influence People... Or "Don't Fear The Reaper!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Yes, there was a very large Keeper segment in the previous chapter. No, I don't know how to make it shorter. He's also the narrator you know! And yes, the fact there's two different languages for the title is completely intentional. Well, It is a Harry x Hotaru chapter!

**第** **2** **章 ** **\- ** **友人を作り、人々に影響を与える方法!  
** **または、「死神を恐れてはいけません！」**

Harry woke up in a cold sweat, having had a terrible nightmare about his house collapsing around his ears, followed by… All he could remember was hours upon hours of soul rending pain, that had seemed to never end. Something odd came to him as he looked round, other than the unfamiliar room. He could see everything clearly, despite not wearing his glasses.  
He could especially see the fact the raven-haired girl who was snoring softly in the chair beside the bed looked fairly cute. It seemed like such a waste to nudge her awake, but he needed answers.  
"Iie, Usa-hime. watashi wa itazurana nanika o shite inai..." She began mumbling, then, her eyes went wide for a moment, her tone turning sheepish as she switched to accented English, "Oh, sorry, my liege, My name is Hotaru Tomoe, and I am your duly appointed Reaper. Please can you avoid doing any more unscheduled deaths? The paperwork is so bad, we use those who are already suicidal to handle the office work…"  
"How can I have an 'appointed Reaper'?! Where are we? Have I died?" Harry asked, thrown by how casually she treated death, as well as the fact that he was sure Reapers were meant to be six or seven feet tall skeletal creatures who had massive scythes. Not dark haired girls a few years older than him in a jacket with a tartan skirt. A glance at her jacket then made him realise that she was wearing a school uniform, which didn't fit at all. He didn't know of any kind of reaper who went to 'Infinity Academy'.  
"We use Appointed Reapers after one Death went off on a musical career due to an accident with a hair metal rock band and another made a rather poor choice when dealing with a particularly evil young woman," The girl offered, "So, now one of our staff is chosen to accompany someone who recently died to help deal with the fact. Now, to the rest of your questions, We are in a pocket reality that was created for your own safety, due to an accident one of the staff had, and the accident was what killed you,"  
She then got out a pamphlet, handing it him. 'So, You've Died: A Pocket Guide To Second Chances...' Harry read off the cover, turning it over to see a stylised version of the planet Saturn, accompanied by a simple address and message, 'Afterlife Information Services, Saturn, Sol System. Dealing with the recently dead like you since...'  
"Before you ask, I live on Saturn. It's so inhospitable, it got elected to be where the afterlife was. They were going to use Pluto…" She offered as he read off the address, "That bordered on treason, the discussion about Pluto… And no, I won't explain how…"  
"No, No, I'm more wondering about how it doesn't have a date there..." Harry explained, Hotaru looking thoughtful. She had to stop doing that. He didn't know why, but it was immensely distracting to watch.  
"Well, A good way to put it is since Prehistory. There wasn't any kind of dating system when the first thing in the Solar System died… Plus we didn't really want to record those anyway," Hotaru stated, "Anyone who was around when the dinosaurs came into existence has some impolite things to say about when they became extinct, and is far from polite about their opinions on cavemen… They're part of the reason I keep my hair short, damn grabby savages..."  
"Umm, Hotaru, Cavemen were around several million years ago..." Harry stated, "Why would you have to deal with them?"  
"You don't ask a Reaper their age. I'm one of the few people exempt from the Reliquary Regulations, since I regularly just turn my life timer over after picking up the paperwork, and have a lifespan of 'None of your damn business'. My period of rebirth is any time from December 22nd to January 20th..." She began, checking a purple book, "Ah yes, most recently, My birthday stabilized to January 6th."  
"Right..." Harry offered, not wanting to know any more, just leafing through the oddly expansive pamphlet, wondering why it had a contents page which suggested there were over 2000 pages for it. The pamphlet looked to be only about a dozen pages long, and he'd passed that already reading ahead.  
"You confused by the page count? We used to use a book named The Handbook Of The Recently Deceased, but most of the recently deceased couldn't understand more than half of it, and those that vaguely did compared it unfavourably to setting the clock on a VCR or similar. That or making flat pack furniture in more recent years, where people stopped using VCRs," Hotaru offered, "Oh yes, and His case… Who He is is classified by order of the senior Reaper in charge of Saturn, and no, they can't even tell you who He is. Especially in a conversation that repeats his name three times in a row. Damn geas."

_Considering she IS ostensibly the senior Reaper in charge of Saturn, having been the landlady since prehistory, Yes, he's not going to get anything out of them. Anyway, The man in question, who some people may know by his nom de plume, 'The Ghost With The Most', managed to get a geas placed on his name, due to a associate called Rumpel... __No, we're not finishing it. Let's not open that can of worms.  
Leaving that, It means no-one, Aboveground, Underground, Six Feet Under or otherwise affiliated with Afterlife Services DARES state his name, especially three times within 24 hours, never mind in the same sentence, except his wife. We only manage to get away with the various nicknames and shorthand versions since he hasn't yet expanded the geas. Lydia won't let him. __She got him a job Aboveground as a lawyer after he violated the terms of a parole agreement she drew up with Afterlife Services. How she did that while still breathing is under investigation…  
__That is after we dig the investigator out from under several miles of red tape. Leaving that, personally, I am among several people who are strongly suggesting they stop cramming everything into one guide. What kind of ghost needs exorcism rituals?! Never mind that the damn manuals have drier language than Saturn itself. And that was _**after** spending a decade doing a rewrite, and Hotaru planning to terraform part of it.

"So, Why am I here?" Harry asked, for Hotaru to look thoughtful.  
"_Well, A young man met a nice young girl at school one day. She turned him down flat, but thankfully, her only other choice for a relationship was a racist bigot..._" A voice stated, for Hotaru to cough expressively, "_Oh, sorry, Not why he came to be…_"  
"Do you want the short version, the long version or the cliff notes?" Hotaru offered, "The long version involves a video presentation and several weird creatures joining us with popcorn..."  
"I'll just go with a basic outline, please. You can tell me the rest later..." Harry replied, wondering why he heard a voice grumbling about no movie. Gnarl hit the minion in question over the head rather hard. Nothing important was damaged.  
"The basics… OK. A particularly dumb creature, who ever since goes by the name Sinkhole The Thick, decided to dig round literally everything that could drown, electrocute or blow the poor guy up shortly before, as he was studying some foul smelling floorboards, the entire tunnel he dug turned into a growing sinkhole..." Hotaru explained, rubbing her nose with a couple of fingers as she added, "He still managed, even then, to cause a gas main explosion when the utilities were rendered unsafe for anything,"  
"So, I didn't have a nightmare about dying of being crushed by my house..." Harry began to gasp, "I was killed..."  
"I wish to put my few yen into the pot, and offer that it's one of the few deaths by someone who ends up working down here that is a pure, unadulterated accident..." Hotaru offered as she rubbed his back to stop his panic attack, Harry swearing she heard her mutter, "Including one Overlord who decided to go to Hell. Literally."

_The Overlord in question managed to conquer his own personal fragment of Hell, and is currently the partner of Hild. Yes. Her. His son also managed to topple a particularly wretched portion of the Roman Empire that thought they could take over the Overlord's fiefdom. Why does Gnarl get to have all the fun?! Instead, they sell me to China. CHINA! Goddamn it, There's this little company named Nippon Ichi, EA… They'd really like the Dungeon Keeper license. No wonder the franchise is currently sunsetted, you stupid...  
_ **We wish to apologize about the language of the Mentor. He has been told to stop bringing it up. Constantly. He barely listens. Admittedly, EA, You could stop closing companies after your insistence they use one single engine for everything fails. It might mean you have more to sell than FIFA and Battlefield.**

"Yes, It was a surprising death. Normally, when a new Overlord is picked, we have to engineer their descent into becoming ruler of one of the factions of Evil that exist in this world..." A voice stated, as something that, to Harry, looked like what you'd get if you crossed Yoda with a Gremlin, and sounded like it too, walked into the room, "You are the first person I have ever worked with who died of, compared to the usual ones, completely natural causes! A few of the more intelligent minions celebrated..."  
"What the hell are you talking about? How can I be ruler of a faction of Evil?!" Harry exclaimed in shock, "I am no evil overlord!"  
"Nor was the Overlad, but he was oppressed, hated and reviled for things which were beyond his control… We keep tabs on most of the people like that," The strange creature offered, "Good is not nice, so we don't play nice either. If you want sunshine and rainbows in your life, well, tough luck, You're stuck working for the people who do bad to get things done, and we get them done. If a few lesser beings could get killed… We have plenty of minions to spare, and Darwin took one look at a minion and tried to kill it. If a few people of importance get killed, clearly they were self-important, so we don't care..."  
"You have been resurrected to act as Evil's mouthpiece and agent within the mortal realm, while bringing about the end to the ruling elite of the local magical realm in order for, if you so wish, you and your allies to either lay claim to it as rulers, or lay waste to it as conquerers..." Hotaru explained, "I would strongly suggest you go with the former, gives me less work… The less people you kill, the less paperwork some suicidal office worker gets, and the less I need to go back to Saturn to yell at people..."  
"Couldn't have explained it better myself..." The strange creature stated, "And I am getting bored with conquest myself..."

"_Thankfully for the new Keeper, the magical realm of the United Kingdom is currently lead by a bunch of self-serving bastards who give a bad name to Good or Evil, being out for themselves, and actually create their own agents of Evil to oppress the majority more..._" The voice from earlier offered, "_Most of the good magicals moved to Mars… or Wales._"  
_Apparently, Mars is the secret site of a group of magicals. Before you ask, No, She's not exactly aware of the fact due to a really good spell that stops the numerous probes and similar that look at Mars from seeing anything except inhospitable red sands. Also, Gee, Apparently even magical beings can have part of the country decide they don't like or want to obey the laws passed by the government. I don't see a single precedent for that at all. Not one._

"Nice magicals, the Welsh… Why did they have to make their parallel dimension nexus on Mars? Why am I the one saddled with the underworld?" Harry heard Hotaru grumble, "Ā, soreha uragiri no Setsuna datta."  
"Ahem, less impolite thoughts about Ms. Meiou, Lady Reaper… You were incredibly lucky, Keeper, Some foolish dark lord had used you as a container for one of their..." The gnarled figure offered, pausing before looking around worriedly, "Soul Jars… How that happened, considering the rules around those, It's still being investigated, with plans in place for when we eventually find the rest of them..."  
Hotaru put on a pair of glasses, yet another act that he was sure was deliberate, as she flipped through the pamphlet, Harry now even more sure that the pamphlet was not part of normal reality, just from the page count he'd done as she found her place.  
"A horcrux, which is what Gnarl was describing, is a fraction of a person's soul, dividing their soul in half at conception, which can be stored in a reliquary to allow them to be effectively immortal, not quite dying when their mortal body expires… It's under Chapter 15," Hotaru offered, Harry mentally wondering how many pages the pamphlet actually had, "However, I wish to mention that, while you did have a piece of the vile creature that was, once, a normal, albeit immensely dumb, human being, at the point where his soul was, he barely had enough soul left in him to be able to survive very easily in the first place..."  
"If someone was to, ahem… Acquire enough of these tattered pieces of soul, and know the right ritual," The creature offered, "We don't keep those kinds of ritual around, Legal reasons. Of course, if you were to find it, You can bring that portion of them back to a mortal existence..."  
"If I was to acquire the very first horcrux, maybe, just maybe..." Hotaru muttered, before, with a startled cry, she snapped back to focus, since she realised she almost revealed she _had_ the illegal ritual to hand, "Ahem, Any living thing, be it pure-hearted, dark-hearted or Whoops, Who Fucked Up..."

_As I was saying earlier, Some things in the Handbook, either version, should be removed. Like resurrection and exorcism rituals. The resurrection rituals are under Chapter 32._

"What the?! What do you mean by..." Harry began to ask, for the gnarled creature to cough, as he made a flip chart appear seemingly out of nowhere. Clearly it hadn't been done by the minions. It was readable.  
"Now, there is no such thing as Angels and Devils. They're all daemons, otherworldly spirits who don't serve man. Man serves them. However, those things you refer to as Angels and Demons are daemons whose nature is either Lawful, which we rarely get a chance to recruit, too kind and gentle and..." The creature offered, Harry watching some kind of brown creature to run over with a bucket. Whatever the gnarled creature threw up, it dissolved both the bucket and most of the creature, it's skeleton and lower body falling to the ground almost comically.  
"_Do not worry. He'll be reconstituted within the hour. And we do not ask what Gnarl was last eating. Other than chicken. Lots of chicken. __I hope you like chicken, fresh, or eggs. We do a roaring trade in eggs..._" The voice offered, while the creature, Gnarl, went back to his chart as if nothing had happened.  
"Then we have those whose nature is Chaotic..." Gnarl continued, another of the brown creatures walking in, this one in a jester's uniform, for Hotaru to level her halberd like one might aim a gun, and blow his head off with a ball of purple energy, the hat flying into the distance, "However, Hotaru here is considered Chaotic Good because she smites things. Incredibly well. Don't worry. Eventually, some stupid minion picks up the hat, gains a fondness for terrible puns, then gets killed for making them… It's also why bears are banned from vaudeville acts. Both them and the Quavers stink."  
"The category of 'Whoops', as it's known in shorthand, is the grey area like myself, where the types get mixed up, and we end up with things like you, Keeper. A noble and heroic soul… who is meant to support Chaos and Destruction since the people who support Law and Order are petty, small-minded individuals who are in it for themselves," Hotaru offered, before musing, "Setsuna, also known as Sailor Pluto, has been classified as Lawful Evil, as well as mentally incompetent to the point she's been delisted as a member of my former team..."  
"We last saw her nursing a rather nasty bullet wound after she attempted to sabotage the American Space Program… again..." Gnarl offered, "Apparently, they can stop anything short of a planet eating chaos entity from causing the apocalypse. For those, they use… Superheroes..."  
"_And we're 50/50 on whether or not they'd solve one of those given up a couple of hours and a lot of talking heads __discussing the disaster__..._" The voice offered, "_Even if it seems like they condense up to a decade into those hours, considering how fast time seems to pass when the end of the world happens. I don't understand it. You need years to develop an earth-saving device. America apparently can do it in 30 minutes, but only if they've taken anything up to an hour worrying about how they'll fix it in time..._"  
"Getting back to the subject, Any living being which blunders into your territory can be captured, or kept in a state of near-death, for recruitment into your service..." Hotaru explained, "Gnarl will handle most of the logistics of that, but you will still need to have somewhere to put them. Any who can be as useful as myself will be given lodgings within the Tower, while any who are more suited to the normal day-to-day work of a dungeon… We just leave them down there, and usually they get to work almost immediately,"  
"One man's fallen foe is another man's bargaining chip… Not every… truly evil, despicable monster deserves an ignominious death..." The voice chipped in, pausing before adding, "Otherwise, where would we get lawyers, businessmen and politicians?"  
"My uncle seemed to think that lawyers were the spawn of… Ah right," Harry began, realising what the voice had meant, as Gnarl nodded, "So, What happens if I don't agree to this?"  
"I sunder your soul from your body, Gnarl employs the reconstituted horcrux..." Hotaru offered, looking thoughtful as she began to mutter, "I might keep your soul around for a few millennia, placed in an undead servant, while I move back into Azabu-Juuban, hoping that they're not doing yet another of Setsuna's deranged 'Kill Hotaru because she can destroy world-ending threats in seconds' plans… Minako and Ami already quit due to finding a 'damn good reason not to listen to it'..."  
"We're only here to find someone who will champion the cause of Chaos for our current operations..." Gnarl stated, "You don't want to do it because of your namby-pamby morality, well, we go find someone who will champion our cause, get out some popcorn, watch the devastation, wait for the right time to pull out our support, then find someone else. Either way, we win out in the end..."  
"So, My options are either to work with you to overthrow the government for a magical world I barely know of, and not trust you'll actually support me much past me doing so," Harry asked, Gnarl nodding, "Or die as I was meant to… and possibly find employment with Hotaru here..."  
"If that happened, your death would bring the United Kingdom to it's knees, as an immortal 'dark lord' strikes effectively unopposed against the majority..." A voice stated as Harry saw what was unmistakably Jareth, The Goblin King, step out of the shadows, handing the tall figure a crystal that was not much smaller than his hand, some kind of dark smoke swirling inside it, "I found a much better sampling in one of my vaults,"  
"Why would my death make this 'dark lord' unopposed?" Harry asked.  
"_Just a simple prophecy, plus the fact that the second-most powerful wizard alive, you being the most powerful, would rather court his favour in a misguided belief that redemption is inevitable..._" The disembodied voice offered, for everyone but him and Hotaru to laugh abruptly, Hotaru stifling a slight chuckle, "_Admittedly, He'd probably support Overlord Potter after the first four or five 'accidental' deaths... Jareth, I wish to make you a wager. Come see me once you're finished here..._"  
Jareth walked out of the room, followed shortly by his apparent retinue, Harry cursing that Hotaru hadn't stayed. He was caught in a major quandary. He liked living, but didn't want to overthrow any governments, never mind deal with a dark lord who no-one else would actually even want to stop from conquering the country.  
He almost contemplated becoming a shade, since the boss was cute, but it still required a distinct loss of mortality, and would likely doom more than the magical world in the process. Dammit. He'd have to work with them.

_It is a weird situation with the magical girls of Azabu-Juuban, as well as the magical girls of Mitakihara, in that both of them have wiped out their entire team in misguided decisions._  
_Thankfully, in the case of one of them, they have a time travel device to correct the mistakes. In the other case, well, their leader is a ditzy blonde who fulfils all the archetypes, but also was given an industrial-strength magical reset button.  
_ _Notably, both teams have a pink haired girl whose girlfriend is dark-haired… and both dark-haired girls are dangerous when they turn evil. I do not want to know what would happen if Ms. Kaname turned evil. At all._

Harry woke up the following morning, thankful he didn't wake up in his cupboard. It seemed too insane, what happened the previous day, but he was still in wherever this was. He headed towards the door, opening it to collide with a small figure as he stepped through, looking to see it was Hotaru, who was muttering in Japanese.  
"Ah! Mou Saite!" She cried out, before blushing and bowing several times, as she said "Watashi no omo yo, sumimasen, totemo taihen mōshiwakearimasen!"  
"_Ms. Tomoe, Kindly apologize in English..._" The unseen voice stated, for there to be a gong, "_Congratulations, Keeper. A new creature has entered your dungeon. A Kneazle. This creature..._"  
There was then the sound of shuffling papers, along with muttering as whoever it was looking through them.  
"_Oh bugger. What the hell is a Kneazle?… And what the bloody hell is one doing in the dungeon? Damn it all to Hell..._" The voice continued, "_Excuse me for a moment, I just need to go deal with the fact some witch's pet cat fell into the dungeon. And then tell Gnarl to beat a Minion about the head for the fact… __Even if it wasn't their fault..._"  
Harry blinked several times as he heard, incredibly loudly, the sound of a chair sliding across the floor, followed by footsteps and a door opening, then slamming, followed by an odd tune that Hotaru started bopping to. A short time later, the footsteps returned.  
"_Ahem, This is my mixing desk, not yours. Go back to Japan. Miku is likely beside herself with just some of you being missing..._" The unseen voice was heard to state, followed by an unfamiliar voice speaking Japanese, for them to reply, "_Please. It's bad enough that I had to deal with the blasted cat, without dealing with an infestation of idol singers..._"  
There was then a pause, before the sound of the chair again, and Harry assumed whatever happened had been dealt with.  
"_We apologize for that, but someone's pet kneazle fell into the dungeon. Apparently, It was investigating why there was a massive gaping hole where your house used to be and fell in. Even the best illusion of rubble from a gas explosion can't stand up to a cat falling into it,_" The voice offered, adding after a moment, "_The cat was returned safely,_"

_It only attempted to claw me as a suspicious dark entity five times, and Mrs. Figg didn't trust me very much. And that was after I borrowed a workman's uniform off the nearest roadworks and replaced the logos with that of the local gas company. The hard part was finding the right logos. It only took me a few moments to find the roadworks.  
_ _Also, What is it about mixing decks and those teal-haired mini-idols? Just because her music is popular, I do not need live 'Please Wait While I Deal With The Goddamn Cat' music! And yes, I know they're an anachronism. So is most of what I talk about! And, before you ask, Ievan Polkka. They love the god damn tune. And spring onions. I'm still finding them even now._

"I'm sorry about that, Keeper-sama," Hotaru offered, "Do you want still want that tour?"  
"I'd love to have a tour with you, Hotaru," Harry stated, before adding, in a lower voice, "And please, Just call me Harry,"  
"_Yes, Yes, Less of the 'My Lord', 'My Liege', '-sama' or anything like that. You are his reaper! We wouldn't want the fools who you will be dealing with to think you're his slave..._" The voice drawled, adding, after a pause, "_Either that or the readers..._"  
"The readers?!" Harry asked, confused. This wasn't some book, where a nice person came to take him away from the Dursleys and taught him how to defeat the bullies. Even if Hotaru was very nice, when she didn't show her Reaper side.

_Excuse me while I stifle a laugh. I wish to remind people of this nice boy, Bastian Balthazar Bux, who thought he wasn't in a book. Some anecdotal evidence shows he got on too well with the cute Empress of the world he seemed to visit every other day. All that is known is that neither of them have really been heard from in several years. And not just because the person who wrote the original records of their first meeting died over twenty years ago.  
_ _According to some accounts, they're expecting their second child sometime in the near future. _ _So, Yes, They got on incredibly well. Amazingly well. That's what generally happens when you imagine someone into existence though..._

"I wish to apologize about the Mentor. Ignore his..." Hotaru began, getting a book out, flipping through it, before enunciating, "...idiosyncrasies, He's become slight odd since, according to him, he's not had much to do in years..."  
The first door they entered lead onto a large round balcony area, the floor seemingly a piece of clear glass, the lower room nothing but a massive perfect sheet of glass that stretched over what seemed like several miles. A sign on the opposite wall, as large as most billboards, stated, in large block letters,

'**DO NOT DROP HEAVY, SHARP OR POINTED OBJECTS ONTO THE DUNGEON WINDOW. YOU WILL BE FINED THE FULL COST OF REPLACING IT. AND IT'S NOT FUNNY TO WATCH THE MINIONS STRUGGLE TO SAFELY FIT A NEW ONE. Signed, Hornicus T. Reaper, PoD, BFO, RFYL.  
P.S. ALSO, IT'S NOT FUNNY TO WATCH THEM TRY TO CLEAN STAINS AND SMUDGES EITHER! SO STOP EATING OVER IT!**'

_Personification Of Death, Badass Freaking Overlord and the last one is Run For Your Life. It's a strong suggestion to people like the Imp who, during mounting the sign, dropped their hammer. He did not survive. Most things that piss him off don't either. You don't command Horny, You summon him to do wet-work. _ _Overlords or Keepers who don't understand that also end up very quickly very very dead. I also wish to add that the Minions really hate when the screen gets scratched or chipped, or someone, while eating something messy, leans over the balcony. Notably, Imps and Minions are much weaker than the screen.  
_ _Punt, Splat... Heh heh heh heh..._

They stepped onto the balcony, for there to be a bell like gong, then some kind of graphical interface appeared, a window in the middle of the balcony area reading 'Welcome To Dungeon Keeper. Please touch this window to login'. Harry looked over the side of the balcony to see some kind of map, too small to make out any real details, as Hotaru took out her halberd and lightly tapped it against the 'window', for the background to change to a pink haired girl sat with Hotaru watching some fireworks in some kind of long dress, as a new window appeared.  
'巴さん、ようこそ。 言語設定は日本語に設定されています。 チュートリアルを再生しますか、それとも続行しますか？ (Tomoe-san, Welcome. Language setting has been set to Japanese. Do you wish to replay the tutorial or continue?)' The next window stated, Hotaru frowning before going to one edge of the balcony, and pressing on something, for a set of icons to appear, and Harry watched her doing some kind of interpretive dance, several windows appearing and disappearing as she tapped several parts of the balcony. The picture then vanished, and it showed, 'Welcome, Overlord Potter. Language setting has been set to British English. Do you wish to play the tutorial?'  
"Sorry about that. I hadn't quite finished setting up your profile while you were being prepared for your role..." Hotaru offered, "Anyway, I now have changed it to work by your hand. Admittedly, that doesn't mean literally your hand. If you had something like my Glaive, you could just tap the options with that. It also works with just tapping your foot, but please, don't show annoyance when doing dungeon work. Unless you have a good reason to repeatedly make the same request multiple times in only a few seconds… Summoning or punishing imps for example."  
Harry nodded, noticing that one of the pictograms was marked 'Twister', and pointing to it.  
"Think about it, It's a large touch screen. Of course you can play party games on it," Hotaru stated, "Not had anyone TO play them with, thanks to Setsuna… but that's not important,"

_Serenity Tomoe, also known as the pink-haired girl from Hotaru's desktop wallpaper, was the daughter of Serenity Tsukino. According to Hotaru, "While there is 'a' Chibiusa, it is not 'her' Chibiusa," and the last person to ask what she meant… Died. And we mean that they no longer exist on any plane of existence. When she has to reap someone, they don't come back. The first time she had to do it involved someone she just refers to as Nine.  
_ _There's an empty file for 'Nine'. She didn't even get processed, her essence was so completely sundered from existence. Well, she hurt her friend, she hurt her. She had to Die._

"What exactly happened to your friend?" Harry asked, curiously, for Hotaru to ponder her response, before taking out a fist-sized pink stone.  
"You remember how we were discussing how, if I had the right reliquary, I could bring someone back..." Hotaru stated, Harry nodding, "Try not to lose it, Been holding onto it since I quit my side-job..."  
"So, What exactly is this room?" He asked, moving to sit on a fold-out chair that was mounted on the side of the balcony area, Hotaru dismissing the tutorial prompt before tapping a circular copy of the image below them, the balcony detaching from the wall, moving to hang above part of the window below, with an image of a pulsing blob in the middle of it. There were brown lumps dropping seemingly from somewhere between them and the window, only to hit the pulsing blob and vanish in a crackle of dangerous looking energy.  
"_Interface deployed. I repeat, The dungeon interface is deployed. We do not want to have to clean half-dead imp off the screen again. Or fully dead imp. We have a shortage of good labour. And an abundance of incompetent,_" The Mentor stated, as it stopped moving, hanging exactly in place over the pulsing blob, which now appeared, in much better clarity, on the bottom of the balcony, allowing Harry to see it was some kind of swirling mass of energy. There were thin outlines of passages leading off it, but they were marked, when Hotaru waved her staff over them, as 'Condemned', 'Dangerous', 'Lethal' and one was even marked '_You Do **Not** Want To Go In There!_'  
"This is the improved version of the dungeon control system. The previous one involved a scrying spell and projecting your will into the dungeon. This one allows for the fact that, currently, the dungeon is unsafe for you to go into, and also is a lot more... modern than when it was first set up..." Hotaru explained, "This is your Dungeon Heart, one of the few still viable chambers within the caverns that make up your dungeon. The majority of the rest had the enchantments wane and the ground swallowed them up."

_No, we are not going to go into the fact Dungeon Keeper 2 won't be out in this universe, if it did come out, for around a decade. And this is pretty much that interface anyway. It's just several times larger and incredibly more complex than it needs to be. So…_  
_Pretty much typical for the time period for a computer. Give me a modern laptop or tablet any day of the week. Or any portable gaming device made by Nintendo. Whoever had the bright idea to ship a Tetris or similar game within the first six months of every Nintendo portable system's lifespan should get a knighthood. And Ubisoft should burn in Hell for Ultimate._  
_We could cover the rest of this conversation, but it is pretty much the tutorial segment of either of the Dungeon Keeper games as if delivered by Yuuko Minaguchi in heavily accented English, instead of some man named Richard Ridings, whose most recent major role was someone named Mendechaus. Nice person, has a job much like my own. _ _Admittedly, in this version also, there are no invasions by the forces of Good, due to them moving on due to Bullfrog going bust, and China not having the same sense of humour as the British. Nowadays, you just get rival Keepers encroaching on your hard-won dungeon, but thankfully, not being able to claim it. Cause massive damage, yes. Claim, no. Thankfully, the repair bill is also waived.  
_ _And, before you ask why no-one came over Hotaru taking out that reliquary, Jareth is currently incredibly busy. Well, Moppet wants a new sis… …_

… _Ahem, We'll leave that alone, very alone, and not even ask. At all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could spend hours trying to explain what terrible act of betrayal happened to cause Hotaru to quit the Sailor Senshi, but that would take too long, so I'll summarise it...  
She found offence at the fact she could have solved their problems outright with carefully applied levels of overkill at the right places, but instead she was kept sidelined, or dead, and Usagi was expected to avoid needing to turn out the light on everything they'd worked for.  
She keeps a reliquary of a particular timeline's version of Chibiusa, from a timeline where her and Chibiusa were the co-queens of the Neo Moon Kingdom, after it was erased from existence due to one of Setsuna's time adjustments. As a result, she does not see this as 'her' timeline any more, being immune to the shifts in time that Setsuna causes.


	3. The Balance Of Power... Or, "The Right Lies For The Wrong People"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We wish to make a few things clear. Now, yes, there are four universes being written with in Dungeon Heart, Dungeon Keeper, Overlord, Sailor Moon and Harry Potter. If you came here not knowing anything about Dungeon Keeper or Harry Potter, I wish to congratulate you on being able to even passably follow the story so far. Others would have just flamed me before complaining about something which is very much canonical, but since they read it in a poor quality fanfiction, it must be true. Please, stop flaming the Naruto stories, it's getting tedious.
> 
> Overlord is being used purely for Gnarl, the very similar concepts of the Tower Heart and Dungeon Heart, as well as the much more varied Minions rather than the dated Imps. With Sailor Moon, Hotaru is used because she's a Personification Of Death that's much cuter than the alternative.
> 
> Also, Just a reminder, I have had to add quotation marks to Hotaru's speech as a Reaper, since none of the upload options like capitalised CamelCase.

At the same time as Harry was learning construction of an eldritch location, Albus Dumbledore was discussing the fact he'd abruptly and completely lost his active monitoring of the upper end of Privet Drive, with his more passive monitoring system, namely one Arabella Figg. Notably, when he arrived, one of her kneazles had a look like it had a close encounter with a dementor.  
"I'm sorry to say this, but Number 4 has most definitely been destroyed, by what seemed to have been a freak accident..." She sighed, "A nice muggle workman for the gas board, who was attempting to cordon off the area, saved the kneazle who was helping me investigate,"

_We wish to state that it was not a Dementor or anything else. It was when one of Harry's staff decided to make a Shumway Surprise as an alternative to the fresh roast chicken they usually have. No, It wasn't Mr. Shumway himself, he **was** in Edmonds AFB, formerly being at Edwards AFB. That was until practically every takeout place in Kern County was made aware of his location. As well as every single pet shelter that supplied cats.  
_ _Therefore, they moved him. It didn't help. His current location is classified. And his phone privileges have been revoked. Repeatedly and Vehemently._

"How was it destroyed? Any possibility of magical assistance?" Dumbledore pressed. He couldn't spin something like this very well. He was good at making up duels of magical prowess, not an altogether more muggle Act Of God. And he was on the cusp of a really good seven book deal. He'd even planned out how Harry would spend all seven years at Hogwarts, and exactly when each piecemeal bit of assistance would happen. He wasn't happy with what might happen at the end of Book 6, but he hoped his notes would suffice there.  
"Unless Lord Voldemort himself declared that the house be swallowed up by the earth itself, no... I don't quite understand what he meant by 'Unexpected subsidence of the ground', but what I do know is that the muggle utilities are currently rerouting the supplies for the entire area to no longer route through Privet Drive. They're worried the entire thing will just collapse into what they called a 'sinkhole'..." Mrs. Figg stated.  
"So, Any chance Harry wasn't in the house when the ground fell out from under it?" Dumbledore pressed, hopefully. Neville was turning out to be practically a squib, and that would not sell well with the fanbase, that abruptly all the books changed who the saviour was. Last time a printing error of that magnitude happened, Flourish And Blotts celebrated Bonfire Night early. And the publisher was the one who got it in the neck over the costs.  
"The Dursleys eventually, after one of the neighbours reported hearing shouts for help from the doomed building, admitted that a distant relative of theirs was in the house at the time," Mrs. Figg continued, "That Petunia woman is really good at crocodile tears, I'll give her that!"  
Albus nodded, before obliviating her of the information, and planting a mild compulsion for her to move to another part of the country, while forgetting completely about Harry Potter, before heading back to his chambers in Hogwarts to check his instruments. He noted that the remains of the sensor web he'd placed on Privet Drive, disguised as the street lamps, showed no signs of any Horcruxes within several miles. Clearly that meant that Harry was dead, which meant damage control. Which meant Alastor Moody.

_We wish to point out two things right now. Firstly, the reconstituted fragments of Mr. Riddle are definitely, most definitely, not within the detection range of the sensor web. Partially since they're being studied off-site by experts. It will cost us about a sickle an hour, and that's being generous. Secondly, The sensor web he's using was partially collapsed when he checked it, and pretty much collapsed entirely a short time later. And not just because the minions kept dropping the enchanted bulbs.  
__I do not understand how the hell something that looks like the not-so-distant 'relative' of the humble mogwai, _$199.99 at Clamp Stores in New York, Stocks Are Strictly Regulated,_ is capable of disguising itself so well no-one is able to spot it. Admittedly, according to some of the former residents of the former suburb of Kingston Falls, which was recently bulldozed and rebuilt as Clamp Corners, most of the people who mistook them were looking in poor lighting.  
__A certain member of the aforementioned subspecies is currently, after being given genetic sunblock and waterproofing, rendering him both immune to sunlight and effectively infertile, is doing inspirational speaking for Evil Overlords. His main topic is '_**Ignoring The List, And Why Do You Keep Doing It, You Stupid Morons?!'**.  
_He also took over Grandpa Fred's night time movie hour, with the immediate result being that several people are more terrified of the host than the actual movies. As a result, he now has a full channel, broadcasting horror movies by night, and self-help business advice by day. He's not had to maim anyone in years._

Dumbledore walked to his fireplace, taking out a sheet of parchment, before he began reading. We would put what he read out, but unfortunately, firstly, the password was a mixture of words, interpretive dance steps and a few sounds that I thought were impossible for a human mouth, and secondly, It didn't transcribe properly. We tried. Anyway, After the password was accepted, Mad Eye's face appeared in the fire, looking apprehensive and regarding Dumbledore with suspicion. And he'd not even opened his mouth yet.  
"What do you want, Dumbledore?" He growled, "The Purebloods are being quiet... Too quiet..."  
"I need you to find some way to stage a typical 'abuse' of overpowered blasting and flame hexes, followed by the casting of the Dark Mark, then obliviate everyone in the area..." Dumbledore stated, "If something is as I fear, I would like to make sure that anyone, without a shadow of doubt, will pin it on an abrupt attempt by the followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Ensure that at least some low-rank, easily convinced Aurors see the Dark Mark, but not who cast the spells… We wouldn't want someone who'd actually investigate..."  
Mad-Eye nodded. A stereotypical Death Eater raid on a muggle home. He didn't want to ask why Dumbledore wanted one of those. Likely he was hiding something he'd been doing in said neighbourhood. If he was lucky, he might actually find something he could pin on the old bastard. If he was really lucky, he could get it to the Unspeakables before Fudge or similar actually asked what he was doing. And, about five minutes later, he'd change all his locks and seal his floo. No-one got that lucky and lived.  
"So, create a fake Death Eater attack, pretty much make _sure_ someone reports it as such..." Mad Eye stated, "Should get the Aurors a nice bonus in their budget if it works out, which is always nice... The next password will be the answer to 5 Down on the Quibbler's Runic Crossword puzzle delivered in Hungarian, followed by..."  
Once he'd disappeared, Dumbledore felt a lot more sure he could deal with the fallout from this incident without much trouble from his publishers. When someone did find out Harry was in the area, he'd spin it that Harry had gone to ground when his safe house was attacked by Death Eaters. Unfortunately, due to an incident with a miscast spell a few days later, he forgot a lot of what had happened during that week, and his dismissal of Arabella Figg meant he completely forgot what happened to Harry Potter, and wasn't even able to ask her...

_Before you ask, The cause was not directly anything to do with Horny, Gnarl or Myself. Although, It will end up being important later that he had forgotten. And he had copied out the contact details for Mad Eye before his bout of amnesia, so was still able to use Mad Eye's floo system. Even Fate, when she's being cruel, isn't quite that bad. However, Dumbledore's mistake did become our gain. Oh yes, Most definitely our gain…_

Harry had just finished building the library when there was a dull gong, and a group of oriental girls with fox features seemed to all arrive in his dungeon at once.  
_"A new creature has entered your dungeon. The Kitsune is an intelligent form of spirit fox from Japan. They have a fondness for sweet dumplings, pocky and a good tummy rub when in their fox form… Well, You do! Put that fireball away! And get out of my recording booth! Oh right, Take her… She's better than a stereo by far..."_ The mentor stated, Hotaru looking adorable as she slept under a blanket patterned with the astrological symbol for Saturn and crescent moons on the bench nearby, a keepsake from her former home.  
He was about to shake her awake when the map started flashing red, the Imps downing tools as the kitsune stopped heading towards the library, one of them, coming in from a side corridor, putting something on her shoulder, Harry blinking as he zoomed in to see she seemed to have a teal-haired girl riding her shoulder, only to move to riding on her back when she'd turned into a fox as her tail lit up with astral flame, the girl waving what looked like a leek.  
"_Privet Drive Is Under Attack! I Repeat, Privet Drive Is Under Attack. All Duties Beyond Defence Of The Realm Are Hereby Suspended, This Is Not A Drill!_" The Mentor's voice abruptly boomed as a gong sounded, Harry abruptly hearing the sound of some kind of electrical whirring, before the Mentor added, "_That was a drill. __You do not mess with it, Trepanning your colleague with it is a dismissible offence.__ But that's not important! Privet Drive Is Under Attack..._"  
The control platform moved to the nearest docking station, Hotaru swearing as she swept the blanket over herself, for it to transform into a cloak, her entire appearance changing into the classic depiction of the traditional Grim Reaper. "Hotaru! As your Keeper and your friend, I urge you to stop for a moment..." Harry snapped, ignoring the burning purple fire in the eyes of the skull that looked at him with what amounted to a glare, "Whatever it is, we might expose ourselves more if we go out onto the street..."  
She paused, seeming to consider something as her battle readiness lowered, the eyes of the skull no longer blazing as Harry cancelled the alert status of the dungeon manually. "True, Very True. It Only Attack On Aboveground. Might Be Cover-up," Hotaru offered, the gong cutting off as the imps began clearing the corridors of a large amount of extra debris covering the area around the Dungeon Heart. Clearly the sinkhole had only got worse due to whatever _was_ happening up there.  
"_Ahem, The attack, or rather, as you guessed, cover-up has finished. The only notable thing was the collapse of Number 2 and Number 6 into Sinkhole's, well, sinkhole, with the imps clearing it as we speak. Privet Drive is being evacuated due to the steadily increasing sinkhole. No actual penetration attempt made,_" The Mentor offered, "_If that had been a real attack, I wish to remind Hotaru that Reapers are only deployed when there is no other choice, not when you were having a really good nap and the alarm woke you up… __Most of the time. Sometimes, killing whoever interrupted your nap **is** viable,_"  
Hotaru changed back, revealing she'd actually switched the blanket for a different item, as she slid the black bundle of fabric, inexplicably, into her top pocket, before slumping against the side of the deactivated balcony.  
"Why destroy two more families covering up that you were killed?" She wondered, "Magicals. They worsened the already rickety status of the ground up there just to fake an attack, I almost wonder who is more stupid..."  
"Maybe to make it look like it was not an accident..." Harry mused, "Mentor, You stated they've evacuated Privet Drive? If there is genuinely no-one in the area above me..."  
"_Well, I do admit that the only reason your chambers are where they are is due to the poor zoning of the even numbered houses of Privet Drive..._" The Mentor mused, before changing to his other voice, "_To all working within the dungeon, __This is an announcement. Some facilities will be unavailable for a few days while some of the more competent Imps assist the Minions in the raising of the Tower Keep… __This includes that the Library will be closed, due to the fact the Tower Keep isn't cold and damp all round the year. Books like comfortable and dry places. So do the readers._"  
Aboveground, No-one noticed the figures wandering amongst the people who were in the process of organising the evacuation effort of Privet Drive. As more and more families left, more and more of the street was put under something similar to the magical Notice Me Not charm, similar to what happened with wizarding locations. As long as no magicals came down the street, which was unlikely, they would have plenty of time to move the Tower from deep Underground to it's rightful place over it's Dungeon. That and make sure nothing else fell into the depths of the dungeon to end up terrified beyond measure, or deader than dead.

As for poor Dumbledore, he frowned as he woke up to find, rather than just the instruments monitoring Harry, all of his instruments monitoring the area of Privet Drive went dead. He looked towards his loyal advisor, Severus Snape...

_I sometimes wonder what Minerva McGonagall's job is beyond Transfiguration Professor and Dumbledore's unofficial secretary. Well, he definitely doesn't use her advice at all. He prefers young men with dark intentions. I currently have a 500 galleon bet with Jareth that the moment it turns out that Harry has turned to the forces of Evil for assistance in his problems, he'll assist him with anything he wishes, as long as he remembers to recruit, not maim, the Purebloods._  
_And Jareth countered with a 100 galleon bet he won't care if the Pureblood is a 'blood traitor', and I raised him 50 that he'd not care if the Pureblood was not a member of the Weasley family and was more ambitious than him. I personally think that the main reason Dumbledore was fighting against Voldemort was the terrible attrition amongst Pureblood families rather than the fact he was being an evil bastard. If he'd continued to just rape, kill and pillage from the Muggleborns and Halfbloods, he'd attempt to date him...  
_ _Well, consider Grindelwald. Far from handsome, horribly egocentric… and Dumbledore was thick as thieves with him._

"I highly doubt it's anything to worry about... Probably some muggles were doing another of their archaic repair jobs in the area. Why Muggles need to tear up the entire street just to replace a few feet of pipe is beyond me..." Snape sneered, before, in a bit of black humor, he added, "We have not been called for at least a whole month to rape, kill or pillage the muggles..."  
"Do not joke about the Bad Times..." Dumbledore stated, "I hate the paperwork, for one. I have to do the Minister's paperwork as well as my own already..."  
He then stepped towards the floo, summoning Cornelius Fudge, whose mood varied between curious glee and sombre reflection. Dumbledore was curious. What exactly had the idiot managed to do now? He'd not seen the Minister that happy except when Sirius Black was captured. Thankfully, Dumbledore wasn't involved there overtly.  
"Ah, Dumbledore... Was about to call you. Terrible incident with a sinkhole in a muggle neighborhood, at least three houses lost, likely more to come... One of the aurors investigating has submitted his memories for next evidence review, since he saw an actual gas mains explosion!" Fudge declared, almost gleefully, "Anyway, Investigations show the damage was completely natural... Muggles weren't in any of the houses, due to the danger, and they've been moving people out of the area for hours... They think it was a collapse in an ancient underground cave system..."  
Both Dumbledore and Snape looked at each other. They full well knew what most 'ancient underground cave systems' involved. They'd have to consult with Hornicus to find out if it was one of his cave systems. And if it was, if it was anywhere near Number 4 where the collapse happened, or the sensor web was just disrupted when several of it's components were rather permanently dislodged. He should have just used the street lights on the same side of the road to Number 4, but he needed to make sure. He cut the connection, looking towards Snape.  
"Merlin... We appear to have, at best, lost touch with Harry Potter, if not lost him entirely, due to a completely muggle incident..." Dumbledore stated, "His comment about the cave system worries me. Please check with Him about if there is one of His cave systems down there..."  
"And if there was?" Snape asked, "You think that the Horcrux might..."  
"We'd know if that happened, I had monitoring in place if that happened," Dumbledore reassured him, part of the reason he needed all the street lights he could get, "But I highly doubt Number 4 was even involved in the collapse itself. For me to be unable to monitor it, it likely was the houses on the other side of the street..."

_Within 10 minutes of the conversation, the House Elves had notified the castle's Imps, who notified the local head minion, who notified Gnarl, who prepared Hornicus for the coming conversation. By the time Snape actually got to the Dungeon of Hogwarts to ask for our counsel, we already were capable of lying like the best of them. He didn't find out a thing. We did however happily confirm Sinkhole's stupid act was what caused the collapse of Numbers 1, 3 and 5 Privet Drive.  
_ _I always love when people ask the right questions. We can then give the right lies. Number 1, 3 and 5 Privet Drive were actually torn down by the Minions in order to expand the footprint of the Tower. Well, I think it was that. Or they did something stupid up there and claimed ignorance. Both are plausible. Either way, They did come down due to a minion's actions._

After reluctantly separating off from Hotaru, Harry entered a side room of the temporary Keeper quarters to find himself in a plush and well-appointed study room, the gnarled figure from earlier, who Hotaru had called, unimaginatively, Gnarl, looking up from a book he was reading, smiling toothily as he snapped the book closed, the Minion holding it up beginning to falter, before disappearing in a pop, the book falling to the floor with a dull thud before disappearing itself.  
"Ah, Mr. Potter," He stated, "Sit, Sit... It was so useful when Hornicus decided to sublet this aspect of Balance to myself…"  
"Balance?" Harry asked, confused.  
"Before we begin discussing that, I am Gnarl, Former manservant of Overlord Gromgard, until his unfortunate death. I am also the Minion Master, and have chosen your... situation to be the most likely to be suitable for my purposes," Gnarl responded, proving, without a doubt, whoever named him had no imagination, "I will be passing through from time to time to deal with any oddities or abnormalities, Oh yes, and torturing the Imps and Minions with petty and small-minded torments for the entertainment of an ancient being such as myself… It's a requirement for ones as wise as myself..."  
"I hope that I will be worthy of your interest..." Harry stated, Gnarl chuckling to himself as if from some kind of private joke.  
"It has been a long time since the Minions have had a true 'master'… Several decades," Gnarl sighed, before continuing, "Anyway, Balance... Did you think it was just an... accident that caused your parents to be very very dead at a very very young age?"  
"I was told they were killed in a car crash, due to my father being a deadbeat drunk..." Harry offered, "I somehow highly suspect that was complete and utter rubbish..."  
"Yes, Yes… And I bet they even said that your mother was the black sheep of the family..." Gnarl sighed, rubbing his temple as Harry nodded curtly, "Anyway, Yes, all that they told you was complete rubbish. They were murdered when a man upset the Balance..."  
"The man who killed my parents?" Harry asked, Gnarl shaking his head.  
"Oh, no, no, no..." Gnarl declared, wagging a bony finger in disagreement, "To put it so simply, even you could understand, the man who gave you that scar, yes, he was a wretched monster who preyed on the good, the bad, the unwashed masses... Well, almost everyone really... But he was very nearly one of our wretched monsters! We actually don't mind people who do that, since He didn't upset the balance at all, He upheld it!"  
"Huh? This isn't making sense! If it wasn't him, who was it?" Harry stated. Gnarl tapped Harry on the head with his finger, looking satisfied at the lack of any real sound in response. That meant there was something between his ears other than the occasional lost fly.  
"Let me get to that!" Gnarl snapped, before he continued, almost theatrically, "According to a man of nearly 120 years old, your future is similar to how most of Gromgard's line went in the end. Go out, make allies, make enemies... Oh yes, Make plenty of enemies, then, at a prearranged time that you've never been told of, and no, I don't know either, you get killed, oh so unfortunately, during the battle to stave off the second coming of a great evil..."  
"And the truth?" Harry asked, noticing how much it sounded like the plot of a bad novel.

_We were required by certain regulations to not mention we actually did know the time, even the place. And the novel series is fairly good, but has more plot holes than sensible. How do you think this story came to be?!_

"He is the greatest evil of them all! He is the one who upset the Balance in the first place!" Gnarl snarled, "There is a good saying Aboveground... The path to Hell is paved with good intentions. That man is all about Compromises, and has made quite the solid road all the way down into a place that is so very very hot..."  
He got up, showing every bit of his advanced age of several hundred years old, waving his staff as he continued, "He makes compromises to the so-called 'Purebloods' to placate them, allows laws to pass that mean that criminals are given plenty of chances for redemption… Because of him, your parents died. How many of the people who gave them a death sentence for defending what they believed in, a worthy goal, got the same thing?... NONE! He let them off! And the man he did have put in jail was their most trusted associate, framed for their murder!"  
Harry seethed. He now could see what Gnarl meant. There had been one particular time where he'd had to make a massive compromise, and it had not helped _him _one bit...

_It had all began when The Dursleys punished him for achieving a good score in a test, which he had thought was what he was meant to do, since he'd been top of the class at the beginning of his time at school.  
_ _Unfortunately, A few words in the ear of one of the senior staff and a very nice and kind young lady, who helped everyone and treated the class equally, was arrested by the police over something. Apparently, one of the bags of drugs liberated from one of the students ended up being found in her possession, and the Headmaster had been forced to fire her due to the potential scandal. She was found innocent, but that didn't get back to him.  
_ _Meanwhile, Harry was summoned to the Deputy Headmaster's office, the Deputy Headmaster telling him that he would be required to 'help' his cousin because of his grades being better than him. The way he had to help was to accept an envelope with some papers in it. This was on the understanding that he was not to look in the envelope, and was to keep them in his things until he was told otherwise. And if he told anyone of the meeting, there would be even heavier repercussions.  
_ ** _Later, he was summoned in front of the Headmaster over the fact that some test answers that had been reported stolen several weeks before had been located. In his things. He'd been suspended for a week, and told that he'd need to rewrite all his assignments, due to the fact the Deputy Headmaster had put question on all of Harry's grades, especially with the scandal over the teacher. During that week, Uncle Vernon made sure he rewrote his assignments in the correct untidy scrawl with a mandated number of errors, and his overall grade plummeted to be around the lower-middle area of the class.  
_ ** _After that, nothing got to the Headmaster, and any time that Harry even tried to achieve as he had, a new envelope appeared in his things, and he was suspended for another week. Meanwhile, Dudley was given a nice bonus in his pocket money for starting the investigation off. Yes, perfectly balanced. Not._

"Ah, that really big compromise... To assist your cousin by holding onto the answer sheets which were acquired for him, but he rarely actually opened..." Gnarl stated, sighing, "The Dursleys are not your problem. You could make them your problem, yes, you could, but the phrase cuts both ways... You go round eliminating all who wrong you, and, well, You get yourself a nice spot in Hell when your former allies are forced to cut you down… It's why I don't keep Overlords that often. They get too powerful, and start forgetting who got them there..."

_The Third Overlord ended up Hild's husband. Yes, that Hild. Admittedly, he'd passed so far down the path of darkness, He actually managed to make Hell into his own personal paradise..._

"So, if not that, what should I do?" Harry asked, trying to make sense of this, "I'd still be making Compromises to just let them live, wouldn't I?"  
"No, No, No, What you're doing is keeping the Balance going by ensuring there's just enough Evil to counteract Good. Good is terrible for creating more and more Evil, so well, let's just say that, if while you're going round raising, well, ahem, Hell, you end up accidentally reforming the rotten core of the magical community of England..." Gnarl stated, stroking his chin, "Why can't I, before I die, be able to prove that, without being morally correct, we can still do good for the world?"  
"But I'm not..." Harry began, Gnarl cutting him off with a swipe of his cane.  
"Before you finish, consider that you're about to enter a world where the ruling elite hate and revile you for apparently murdering their rightful leader, and many of those chosen to assist you are pretty much on orders to just give you enough rope to hang yourself..." Gnarl stated, "And all of that with you having only Good Intentions… Having Evil Intentions has nothing to do with that, and considering that to kill those ruling elite is inherently Evil, despite them _being_ Evil in the first place?..."  
"...Good point. So, I have to, rather than accept my death sentence..." Harry asked.  
"...Fuck 'em. If they want to go off and serve the next Dark Lord, they're happy to. We're clearly no longer in that business..." Gnarl declared succinctly.  
"Gnarl, Would you be willing to arrange a demonstration of the ritual Hotaru mentioned, quite by accident..." Harry stated, placing a pink stone in Gnarl's hand, "I would like it scheduled for the beginning of January if possible..."  
Gnarl looked thoughtful, and slipped the reliquary into his robes. Most people didn't do birthday presents like that, and he was sure his reaper would appreciate it. He'd make sure to schedule the ritual with the Goblins. And pay any necessary fines for wanting to reconstitute a mostly dead person, just so they'd not have his head for doing it without prior permission.  
"For now, Please read this. It arrived earlier, while we were busy with the renovation work some idiot was doing up Aboveground... and then the renovation work some Minions were doing," Gnarl stated, taking out a Gringotts letter, "I would encourage the use of a sub-branch. It's better organised by far. Whatever you do, We'll deal with the required construction work by the end of the day..."

_Gringotts established a simple policy with the inheritors of Gromgold's legacy, as well as the Keepers. Within a month of their change of status, they are required to transfer their sometimes substantial wealth out of Gringotts, which helps make sure that Keepers who want to remain unknown no longer have on-site assets, after any properties are sold off to the highest bidder with obnoxiously high opening bid prices, and an even more obnoxious processing fee._  
_For obvious reasons, they usually accept the offer. Mainly since unclaimed assets are immediately seized and given to Jareth to invest in whatever he wishes. And we mean Immediately. The alternative, as mentioned, is the Keeper opens up a sub-branch of Gringotts, which handles the finances of the Dungeon, the paying of the staff and also the usual fees to Jareth for the fact he's apparently their landlord. There's almost always a foolish, upward-thinking goblin who thinks they can be the next Branch Manager, and they always end up a Branch Manager alright...  
_ _Coming next time, What's brunette, bushy-haired and brainy, as well as beautiful when cleaned up? And we don't mean Mademoiselle Belle... She's not that bushy-haired for one… or Emma Watson… She just plays them._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Moppet isn't going to be the Dungeon's account manager. It's likely to end up being Griphook. Well, considering his exemplary conduct in the last book, he deserves it. Also, I don't guarantee that the Notice Me Not charm and Muggle Repelling charms will cause the same flaw as at the beginning of this chapter, because we can't exactly contact a wizard to check.  
However, if they do, how the hell has no-one noticed? Oh wait, they don't care about things like that, so more than likely no-one actually checked if they do work that way.  
Gwen Granger is based on the early concept of Hermione having a sister, and is intended to give a nice by-play when we deal with Hermione scenes. No other reason whatsoever. Honest. It has nothing to do with relationships. Harry has plenty already.

A few days after the incident with the evacuation of Privet Drive, A perfectly ordinary bus stopped on the street nearby where it formerly had been, for a pair of brunette girls to get out, before looking around the seemingly normal neighbourhood, the older one removing a measuring wheel from her back. The wheel in question had been borrowed by one of them from the school stores, and they had promised to return it when they finished meticulously studying the strange local phenomena.  
"I know how much you like a mystery, Hermione, but it's pretty obvious they removed the street because it might, you don't know, have become unusable due to the growing sinkhole on one end?" The younger one offered, before pausing, "Even if I will say that I can't see any sign of the sinkhole… or the street. You sure that's it's here and that was what the article was talking about?"  
"I'm sure, Gwen. We both know what I read, and something like that does not just disappear..." Hermione replied, "The weird thing is that I checked the Ordinance Survey Map a day or two after I found the article, and found all maps, going as far back as the creation of Little Whinging, are missing the road now. Hell, Someone took the newspaper that I had read it from out of the library, citing a printing error in one of the articles..."  
"So, now you think someone pretty much doesn't want anyone to know it even had existed?" Gwen offered, "Look, I know you only brought me here because you would otherwise have had to leave me home alone..."  
Hermione sighed in resignation. Being the daughters of dentists meant their parents had been working really odd working hours. The last they'd heard from them, they were heading for a dental conference over a year ago. They didn't want to broach the subject of _why_ they might not have heard from them recently.  
"We also will sort out the groceries after we've finished here..." Hermione offered after a thought, "That help?"  
"Barely, but still, I'd probably call you crazy if you told me all this without any proof… Anyway, Are we going to do this, and prove to ourselves that there's not some big conspiracy?" Gwen asked, Hermione taking the only copy she knew of the article out, thankful for the library photocopier, including it's map of the area. They then walked down the street, Hermione using the measuring wheel, which she'd liberated from her school, frowning as she counted under her breath.

_Ah, Photocopiers. Nowadays, A relic of the past. Practically everyone has a scanner and/or a printer for dealing with the same thing. Some people even have both. Some really fancy people can plug their camera or phone into the printer and completely cut the computer out of the equation. So, So, So many technologies rendered redundant by the simple application of solid state memory..._  
_Also, we wish to add that minions, goblins and imps all offer a free service to make sure every mention of anything that might contradict what you're trying to claim when you make something disappear **also** disappears. Sometimes they don't just eat it and pretend they didn't. The problem with eating it especially happens with chickens, sheep and micro-piglets when it's around lunchtime and Gnarl wants to know where his lunch went. Sometimes he even believes that they don't steal his dinner regularly. And sometimes they even don't steal his dinner...  
_ _House elves also used to provide the service for the common wizard, but wizards prefer to just obliviate and hope it sticks. For crying out loud, Stage magicians make things disappear with more subtlety than the common wizard, and they do it on live TV with a massive audience, just so people know the thing disappeared!_

"The count's wrong… It should match on both sides, but there's a gap..." She muttered, going back down the other side of the street, starting to repeat the count, "There's something causing me to miss part of the distance, like we're being moved instantly either side of where 'something' is..."  
"OK, Let's look at that map... OK, There's that street, there's the other street..." Gwen stated, looking at the map, then at the layout of the roads in front of them, then the map again, "Huh? Hermione, you agree that there's no break in the street where Privet Drive should be, but the map pretty much states it should be there?"  
Hermione ran her eyes over the houses, nodding to herself, before moving to a point on the opposite side of the street, after measuring the distance a couple more times, before looking towards Gwen. Both girls looked either side of where they were stood. There was literally no gap, no break, but, if they had read the map right, they were stood right across from it.  
"If I'm right, this should be exactly across the road from it, despite what everything else tells me..." She told her, "We just walk forward, eyes closed, and ignore whatever is telling us that nothing is there."  
Both girls nodded, and began the last test of Hermione's theory, stepping forwards and finding that they didn't collide with the wall that should have been there, proving that they had defied whatever was blocking them by the simple fact it could not deny it.  
"Shouldn't there have been..." Gwen hissed at Hermione as they stepped forward, unable to open their eyes yet because they kept being willed to stop doing so, their minds warring with the fact that everything their senses were saying told them they were in an empty void. Her comment was cut short as she began screaming, along with Hermione, as they stepped into actual nothingness...

_This particular phenomena affects any muggle entering a Notice Me Not charm's area of effect, in a similar way to how they did, as the charm's effect wraps around them, forcing them not to notice anything around them until they pass through the other side. The difference between the near-instant effect of a short area of effect, compared to walking through the grounds of, say, Hogsmeade, is that there is a genuine sense of walking literally nowhere for anything up to an hour with no senses whatsoever, __as magic forces you not to notice everything.  
__Notably, due to this, when you have a great big honking... Oh shit. Excuse me for a moment. I need to go deal with the fact we _**do** _have a great big honking hole in the middle of it. Excuse me for a moment while I go to my other microphone._

"_We have a breach! I repeat, We have a breach! Someone has found the Aboveground Entrance!_" The Mentor announced, Harry and Gnarl looking confused, a Minion appearing, looking terrified.  
"You made sure that nothing, physical, mental or magical, could even possibly notice that there had been a street there?" Gnarl stated, for it to nod vigorously  
"We have nice bonfire. All those records toasty warm!" The minion stated cheerfully, Gnarl face-palming at the fact they'd used the records for warming themselves, just before Hotaru walked in, looking what seemed to be annoyed, in her full reaper form.  
"A Pair Of Girls Just Fell Off The Scaffold Over The Top Of The Sinkhole," She stated, with the emotions of a politician, "They Fell Into The Dungeon Heart. How Unfortunate,"  
"Are either of them roughly the age of the Keeper?" Gnarl asked, thoughtfully, earning what could have been a curious gaze or a glare from Hotaru. It was hard to read the emotions of a flaming skull.  
"One Of Them Is," Hotaru stated, her tone of voice when in this form making it hard to tell her mood, "Can I Reap The Other One?"  
"NO!" Harry snapped, before, in explanation, "Gnarl, You and Hotaru go recover them. If either of them isn't in living condition _after_ you've recovered them, I will not be pleased. Once you're done with that, Hotaru, Go scare the Minions on the scaffolding and find out how come someone fell into the Dungeon Heart..."  
"Again," The Mentor added, "I suspect it's due to the fact there needs to be a direct shaft between the Tower Heart and Dungeon Heart... I will advise them not to leave the bloody shaft open before the Tower is even ready to be placed over it in the first place… I will have it be suggested they put the floor in, Now. As soon as they're able, and remove it when they need to raise anything up,"  
"As You Command," Hotaru stated, before leaving. Clearly, she was not pleased with the fact she had got disturbed twice, and hadn't got to reap anything as a result.

_Notably, the workforce after she finished getting rid of her stress was short several incompetents. The competent ones moved before she started firing. And we don't mean the nice kind, where you get called into a boardroom and told to go home _ _by someone similar to the current President of America or the former Governor of California, or even, for you people in the UK, the founder of a small company called Amstrad.  
_ _We mean dissolution, not dismissal, the one where you shoot from the hip with a magical artefact capable of obliterating the Sun. Literally. Much more effective, much more final, and much more Hotaru's modus operandi. _ _And yes, they put the floor in post-haste, and decided to just build the Tower in-situ. Much safer. _ _For everyone. Especially if they weren't meant to die. Yet._

Several hours later, Hermione and Gwen woke up in an unfamiliar room, noticing a young dark-haired woman in what appeared to be a school uniform, which Hermione noted was for a school named 'Mugen Gakuen', or 'Infinity Academy' if she read it right, according to the school crest on the blazer, stood there, who got a pair of pamphlets out of her inside pocket with clearly practised ease, handing one to each of them.  
"So you recently… died?!" Gwen cried out upon reading the front of the pamphlet, "Are we in some kind of Afterlife office area or something?"  
"No, Guinevere, They do not have bedrooms in the Afterlife, just a really ratty reception area with terrible seats. We're in a sub-dimension linked to a location several hundred kilometres below Privet Drive..." The girl offered, "Hotaru Tomoe, The Little Reaper, at your service..."  
"I hate that name..." Gwen grumbled at the use of her long name, "Prefer just Gwen..."  
"So, If we're not dead, why did you hand us these?" Hermione asked, something about her form of address making her puzzled, "Wait, Are we…?"  
"Yes, For all intents and purposes, you died when you fell. Admittedly, you weren't exactly likely to live even with the relatively soft landing you did get... You landed at a high enough speed, you were killed instantly," Hotaru stated, "My current employer however felt you would be more useful alive… Both of you. I was quite put out. I was quite ready to do my job when he told me to bring you back..."  
"What does your employer do if he has a Reaper on his staff?" Hermione asked, glancing through the pamphlet, wondering why it seemed to have more pages than it looked like, especially since the paper wasn't wafer-thin, only to look up as a pair of figures entered, one being a boy around her age, the other being something that looked like what would happen if Yoda mated with a gremlin.

_Notably, after Gnarl watched the particular parts of Star Wars that showed Yoda, he appreciated the resemblance. And promised not to lapse too often into Yoda's way of speaking. Oh yes, and told us to stop comparing him to a gremlin. For one, they're currently native to New York. He's definitely not native to America._

"So, You must be Hermione Granger and Gwen Granger..." The boy stated, "My name is Harry Potter, and I welcome to my humble abode. Please make sure to read Chapter 10 in the pamphlet, as well as Chapter 28 and especially Chapter 42… I employ a Reaper since it's part of the job description. Any further questions, Ask Gnarl, He knows anything you might need to know."

_If the ultimate answer came up in Jeopardy, If you tried 'Which chapter in the pamphlet that replaced the Handbook Of The Dead covers the nature of Balance and it's agents?' as the question, You'd probably win. But only in this reality. Chapter 10 covers the nature of second chances, and Chapter 28 covers immortality, and how much it can really suck unless you have someone like a close family member to help you through it. It's probably why Harry didn't kill Gwen. And, before you ask, if you had several hours to kill, and a deceptively short looking pamphlet...  
_ _Come to think of it, that's probably why Gnarl has a certain reliquary on his person. Well, she was a close 'family member' for Hotaru, one of the few who didn't smite first and ask why eventually, and if he's planning what I think he is… _ _Before you ask, Jareth waived the fees _ _after he noticed there _ _ **was** _ _ a unauthorized reliquary in the dungeon due to the fact_ _ Sarah and Moppet outvoted him, due to the endearingly sappy sentiment involved, and the fact Hotaru is exempt from the regulations in the first place, _ _being the Most Powerful Person In The Afterlife. And rather difficult to smite too. Just ask Setsuna Meiou._

"So, What exactly does Hotaru do for you?" Hermione asked.  
"She's currently my personal assistant, as well as helping me with the fact I also died not long ago. Yes, I got better, Yes, I've read the pamphlet, No, I don't know how it works," Harry offered, "I will admit that she's a much better alternative than having Gnarl talk you through the early parts of your time here, as well as what you will do in either the Tower or Dungeon,"  
"Before you ask, The Tower is... Harry's seat of power, which will be raised up into the former location of Privet Drive, while the Dungeon will be where his... staff work to help ensure that he keeps said power..." The gnarled figure next to him stated, "You, Hotaru and Gwen will be working in both at times, especially considering..."  
"Considering?" Harry asked, seemingly curious. A snowy owl flew out from the outer corridor, Harry rubbing his temples while the gnarled figure just sighed, the figure resolving into a familiar figure to pretty much everyone in the room.  
"All four of you are magical in some way, I just dropped off your acceptance for magical education, and charged Mr. Potter a nominal fee for the service. Part of the reason is that I have an agreement with the magical world that if even one post owl comes anywhere near any facility Underground, I have full permission to declare a war against whoever thought it would be funny to send a tamed owl anywhere near my domain… I do not appreciate the insult to my animal form," Jareth stated He then paused before he looked towards Hermione, who seemed to be about to ask him something, adding, "And the relationship status between myself, Lady Williams and our... daughter, Moppet, is not to be discussed,"  
Jareth then disappeared, Hermione grinning anyway as he confirmed that he reunited with Sarah, before returning to the pamphlet, Hotaru looking thoughtful for a moment, and whispering something to the gnarled figure.  
"Miss Granger, Miss Granger, Mr. Potter has a perfectly acceptable library..." The figure stated, "Please try hard not to disturb any of the other women studying there, they currently have tenure… If you have pocky or other candy, make sure to share. We already have _plenty_ of chicken. We're looking into branching into bacon later, when the minions roast the pigs instead of riding them,"

_Ten seconds later, both girls were gone, and only one kitsune had to raise her voice to get them to stop petting her tails. After a short time, and _ _Gwen _ _gravitating towards _ _her_ _ head and ears, the complaints stopped. But not the petting. Gwen has a new friend for life at this rate, _ _she's spoiling her new friend so much. Since I couldn't explain it earlier, due to one of them trying to kill me over telling it like it is, and what was obviously Mad Eye's attack, I'll explain something._  
_Due to the unforeseen issues of having warlocks studying magic while working for a wizard, which would not work that well, we instead had Ms. Tomoe pull a few strings and have some kitsune come to assist Mr. Potter in much the same way as the warlocks did. They currently are auditioning to be the kitsune who accompanies Harry to Hogwarts, due to a particularly poor piece of literary drivel, Harry Potter And The Kitsune Cub, where Harry befriended a kitsune while in Japan on one of his adventures, the character appearing in several later books._  
_So far, we are doing fairly well in matching the description given in the books, despite a few inaccuracies in the portrayal of them. By the time he attends Hogwarts, A lot of people are going to end up very confused by the fact that Harry DOES have a kitsune with him. Well, They are fictional accounts. Gnarl and Hotaru spent several hours poring over the books finding things that we could have Harry be able to do. Over half are achievable. The other half require things that can't just happen. We're working on those anyway, as long as they do not need an Act Of God._  
_Something that has come up is discussions about a certain group. We will not have any of the Sextet appearing, partially due to issues practically everything who auditioned the cast had with It. The most polite description of It was that it was a mutated form of pipe weasel. Hotaru personally wanted to use It as a method to feed the sandworms. It and Ms. Enoshima are both not to be recommended for the story._  
_Also, No, Hermione isn't going to become the librarian. We loaned a very odd orangutan for the job. Some magical places use them. The rest avoid L-Space like the plague. Some even visit L-Space, run screaming from it, and are never seen again._   


While Gwen was making herself the best friend of a three-tailed kitsune, within Hogwarts, Albus looked up as a hurried Minerva entered, shaking slightly as she delivered four letters, unwittingly revising, for the third time in as many weeks, the health status of Harry Potter according to Albus Dumbledore.  
"Lord Jareth wishes to state that if you're going to misplace your saviour, can you please do it somewhere else..." Minerva stated, "Apparently, He'd been busy with rescuing a pair of recently orphaned muggle-born witches from potentially ending up in an orphanage, and has allied himself with a personification of Death, who also wishes to enter Hogwarts... Jareth's involvement is unknown at this time..."  
Dumbledore glanced towards a set of books as he looked over the letters, trying to figure out how Harry actually did manage to recruit the services of a Reaper, since he knew the Deathly Hallows were not in his possession, so he couldn't exactly go to Death and petition for the hand of his daughter like he'd implied.

_Oh, Dumbledore, Susan Sto-_ _Helit, the closest we can find to a 'daughter' of Death, already has a boyfriend, apparently being romantically involved with the current personification of Time. And Hotaru…  
She is considered to be the Death with the most seniority that's still working. So, yes, you completely got the relationship to the Grim Reaper wrong for his personification of Death. But yes, it's a girl, she's got the scythe, actually a magically reshaped Silence Glaive, and she has a Cloak Of Death, so close enough. And from how Harry's considering her, yes, they're likely to be an item in the future._

He frowned, his frown one he normally reserved for when he dealt with Cornelius Fudge. What Jareth was doing anywhere near Harry Potter was and wasn't something he wanted to know. The altruistic reason that Harry ended up no longer within the control of the Dursleys was, but only since it would likely give him a good narrative for his next book. Possibly spin it that they were abused by a cruel muggle government system that were attempting to figure out magic?  
No, He'd already done that one, and they might suspect him of recycling plots. He'd figure out a good story when he got to talk to them when they began Hogwarts.  
"So, Ms. Tomoe will be starting Hogwarts next year, as well as the older Ms. Granger and Mr. Potter..." Dumbledore stated, "...'Please don't send an owl for Gwen Granger, I'll just immolate it like the other times, and bill you for the fact I had to'... Why he has to take offence at Post Owls, I do not know..."  
"Probably the fact his animagus form _is_ an owl, which is why he hand-delivered the letters..." McGonagall offered.  
"Yes, most likely. Still, we will make preparations for Mr. Potter's introduction to the Wizarding World post-haste..." Dumbledore stated, "Did he set an appointment when we can send a wizard or witch to introduce him?"  
"When Hell freezes over... And, according to Snape, of all people, it's a balmy several thousand degrees down there..." McGonagall stated firmly.

_The actual reason for not sending a post owl for the younger Ms. Granger is that it would reveal her address, as Number 666 Privet Drive. Also the same reason as they don't want anyone to come give the usual briefing. Because Number 666 Privet Drive is the name for the location of Harry's Tower._  
_The Unusual Briefing happened shortly after they finished the ground floor of his tower and they could use the audience chamber. Mr. Potter managed to petition successfully for a pair of curved tables to be set up on the opposite side to his throne with seating for Lady Granger, Ms. Granger, Gnarl and Hotaru, as well as anyone else that might want to watch.  
_ _We gave the jester a nice comfy oubliette in the middle and had a group of minions play Pop Up Minion with some slightly blunted weapons and grooves cut into the sides. The winner is the one who looks sheepish when the screams abruptly cut off and a glance inside shows it hit something important. If he screams, jumps up and brains himself on the grating above the oubliette, no-one wins. Except those who wanted the damn jester to shut up._

Dumbledore nodded, understanding the comment. Basically, Jareth was acting as his adviser, and likely had suggested to him that the less contact with the magical world, the better. That was also why Mad-Eye required such heavy security on contacting him, due to the fact the guy was more paranoid than some muggles. Which made it really difficult for Dumbledore to ask for him to do anything he needed of him, and that was even with a personal password for his floo.  
"That is all for now..." Dumbledore stated, Minerva nodding herself before leaving, Dumbledore pressing down his foot on a pedal, which caused Snape to arrive a few minutes later. The pedal in question was meant to do something else, but he'd 'repaired' that functionality just over a decade ago. As well as an enchantment which, if it had been active, would have expelled Snape from the building, and dropped him somewhere in Ireland. Unfortunately, it also meant anyone with a Dark Mark could just walk right in, and Voldemort could attack the castle without most of it's defences being activated, but he doubted that would happen.  
"Jareth delivered Harry Potter's letter... Apparently, he was being altruistic towards muggleborns..." Dumbledore offered, "How unfortunate..."  
Snape glanced over the letters, looking thoughtful.  
"I do not know the location of the Granger parents, and can confirm that no sleeper cell of the Death Eaters has caused their disappearance..." Snape stated, "Oh yes, over the... other thing. Hornicus confirmed the epicentre of the collapse, and the area has been magically and mundanely sealed off, because, and I quote 'What caused said collapse was already sealed to begin with, and we don't want anyone falling in'..."  
"So, they are practically orphaned, but still lived comfortably?" Dumbledore asked.  
"The muggle term is a 'latchkey' child..." Snape drawled, "Similar to Xeno's child, in that he works so late sometimes that she can end up doing the housekeeping herself because he never has time to do it..."  
"Hmm... Thank you, Severus..." Dumbledore stated, "You have reassured me completely..."  
"Of course. I live only to do so..." Severus offered, bowing lightly before leaving.

_Yes, Just let evil walk your hallowed halls to maim the students in the name of blood purity... Oh wait, that's the DADA teacher. We're more thinking about _ _Severus Snape, who you trust implicitly, despite the fact he was part of a mass murdering cult, and has an abject hatred of the fact he wasn't Harry's father._  
_I wish to add that the Granger parents went missing while on vacation, and the information never got to Hermione or Gwen, who have become quite good at hiding what happened to them. Due to a clerical error, they were never declared orphans, including that they are largely self-sufficient, despite their age. Please see Matilda Honey nee Wormwood for details of how that kind of thing can happen.  
_ _I wish to add that the Wormwoods ended up spending a nice few months in a lovely prison, until a getaway driver recognised Mr. Wormwood as the man who caused him to get himself and his gang arrested. Mr Wormwood didn't spend much longer doing anything after that. He pretty much ended up Mr. Worm Food._

A few weeks later, Harry was stood in the Briefing Hall of his partially completed Tower. The lowest floors were finished, allowing him to at least walk through the building site, and observe the minions forming magic into the materials that would create a home for, as well as himself, Hotaru, Hermione, Gwen and anyone else who would be staying within the Tower for the foreseeable future.  
He sat down at his throne, looking towards the two tables, where, at that time, had Hotaru sat at the left table, and Gwen at the right, a fox sat eating chicken on the table in front of her, Gnarl stood in the middle, eschewing the need for a chair, his only act being to occasionally look down at the grating below his feet.  
Despite the fact Harry had a pair of chairs either side of him, at that time, no-one, not even Hermione, was likely to sit at them. Hotaru moved to stand in the middle of the room, right on top of the location of the Tower Heart, also known, impolitely, by both Harry and the Granger girls, as the Shaft Of Sudden Death.

_We do not mention that, with Overlords, That IS what it usually is. If you don't want to talk to the petitioner, open the shaft, and they're no longer your problem._

"I have finished looking into the status of the Granger parents. Their life timers ran out three weeks ago," Hotaru stated, "Hermione and Gwen are both aware, and went with me to the afterlife to get closure on their parent's loss,"  
"I wish to add that they'd disappeared over a year ago, but we were hoping they'd come back one day..." Gwen added. Gnarl then took the central spot.  
"Sire, I am worried about the status of your newest minion..." Gnarl offered, "The Lady Hermione seems to be getting into the study of magics way beyond her comprehension... as light reading..."  
Gwen pressed a switch on the table in front of her, causing a quiet buzzer to sound, Harry getting up and offering her the throne as he took her seat, the fox following her and shifting into a kitsune which sat on one of the side chairs. Harry raised an eyebrow at how the kitsune acted.  
"I wish to state that I find the comparison between my sister and one of... them..." Gwen offered, as a trio of minions managed to successfully, by pure accident, recreate a Three Stooges routine involving a plank of wood, and the heads of two of them, "...to be an insult to my family's intelligence. However, I will not find fault in the Minion Master's opinions on my sister's reading habits. I do not know the source of it, but she now is literally chained to some kind of book that seems to be evil..."  
"I would be insulted myself when I see minions like that... It's why we didn't outsource..." Gnarl offered, "Still, Was it a book from the shelves?"  
"No, She seemed to bring it into existence by simply being in the Library too long..." The kitsune replied, before Gwen motioned to Harry, who took his throne again, just in time for the doors leading to the Dungeon to open, Gwen and the kitsune going back to where they had been sat.

Hermione then entered, the oppressive nature of the book that was literally chained to her causing most of them to shudder, Harry noting the chain terminating at a collar round her neck, along with a red-haired girl who was clearly the selected kitsune for their upcoming plans. Gnarl made his way to his post in the middle of the tables, as the redhead stood in the middle of them, Hermione taking a seat next to Gwen, as her kitsune shifted and took out a scroll.  
"This is Kimiko Kyousasha. She is around 120 years old, which is close enough in our terms to Lord Potter's age, and fits at least 80% of the physical requirements of the description given in Kitsune Cub," The kitsune stated, "Kimiko has red hair and green eyes, similar to your mother, is slightly shorter than you, has a high intelligence... Which was the easiest requirement to fulfil… Is fond of pranks and took to her English lessons best of the candidates. She is also an expert in Japanese, and has currently no romantic entanglements..."  
Harry contemplated the lever next to his chair, taking hold of the handle, before he smiled. "And your name?" He asked the kitsune who was accompanying Gwen.  
"Kasumi Harukaze," She stated, "Me and Gwen have become good friends..."  
"Kimiko, I hope that we will be close friends in the near future, maybe even more… Kasumi, Please consult with Jareth about your own schooling options," Harry stated, "Is there any other business before we begin to march upon Diagon Alley?"  
Gwen pressed her buzzer again as Kasumi returned to her favourite position.  
"Can we not describe it as a military operation! We're just going shopping!" She declared, exasperated.  
"OK, Thank you, oh voice of reason..." Gnarl stated, as he took out a crystal ball from his cloak, dropping it, for Jareth to appear along with a girl wearing a beaked mask and ragged clothes, and several goblins.

_ **WHAT THE FUCK?! ** _ _ **IT COULDN'T BE?! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING THERE?!** _

"Each of these goblins has already been briefed and will be operating as the banking staff during the requested hours..." Jareth stated, as the girl headed towards Gwen's side of the table, before reconsidering and sitting with Kimiko, "Moppet here has petitioned for a position within your inner circle, a position which you would be wise to accept..."  
'Moppet? Didn't he mention earlier?' Hermione stated, for there to be a loud spluttering coughing sound.  
"_Sorry. Startled me a bit..._" The Mentor's voice stated, "_I'm fine..._"  
"I accept your generous offer... How much will it be per week?" Harry asked. Jareth chuckled. Mr. Potter was learning.  
"We'll negotiate that depending on how well she does in her future endeavours..." Jareth stated, "For now, Mr. Potter, have you ever watched a series named the Addams Family?"  
"Not really... The Dursleys felt the 'freakishness' of the characters made them even worse than me..." Harry offered, before smirking toothily, "Why do you ask?"  
"Please sit at this side of the room..." Jareth stated, "And someone set up a cinema screen post haste..."  
Gwen offered him a seat across from her as Jareth joined Kasumi, Kimiko and Hotaru, a large silvered screen being summoned by Jareth, as well as an old-style movie projector, which promptly got a minion tangled in it, before a more modern one came out, the light level of the room dropping despite the fact large chunks of it opened out into the outside. Within a few minutes, every Minion not at work was sat in front of the screen, as the first episode of The Addams Family began playing...

_Not much more real business was conducted that week. Well, beyond a crash course in how to be an eccentric billionaire with supernatural powers. I am, by the way, slightly annoyed at two things. The really good reference wasn't out until the end of 1991. Otherwise we'd be able to use Raul Julia's Gomez as a reference. Instead, we had to keep to the 1964 series as well as the Hanna Barbera cartoons. Thankfully, The portrayals were just right._  
_Also, What the fuck is Moppet doing there?! Jareth, What are you planning? I might well have a sure thing with that wager, but bringing Her into the mix...  
_ _Next chapter will be very interesting... VERY interesting..._

**Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah  
** **Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah… SNAP SNAP!**

_Very VERY interesting indeed…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I wish to take a break from this story…
> 
> The chapter is already over 5000 words long, it's not going to bugger up the word count, and talk about a strange unwritten rule about fanfiction stories, and a strange rule about when Harry goes back in time to fix things.  
As an example, 30 Minutes That Changed Everything, the planned date for the time jump is straight after the Triwizard Tournament, but it overshoots by several years. Over half of Harry Potter stories, especially time travel ones, begin in the closing hours of Year 4 or Year 5. And, more often than not, the main thing that Harry laments is that he couldn't stop it happening.  
_Goddammit, You specifically chose this time so he could fix things… **but then** you go and invent a reason he can't save Cedric and/or Sirius, so he spends a good chunk of the story lamenting how, even with foresight, he couldn't save everyone._  
It's why Dungeon Heart begins an indeterminate time before Hogwarts. So the only reason I even have Hermione die so abruptly is due to the fact she's now immortal, and even if she does take a mortal blow, she'll just respawn back at Harry's lair. No, I won't say yet who else will be resurrected as an immortal vassal of Overlord Potter. Don't want to spoil it. I will however state that none of the deaths of the heroic characters will be for spiteful and cruel reasons.
> 
> The evil characters, oh, they'll definitely for cruel, spiteful and mean-spirited reasons. And they'll all deserve it.


	5. The Return Of The Boy Who Lived Or, “Remember More Who His Parents Are, Than What He Did...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what happened to the title of the fourth chapter. I'll get the imps to locate it.
> 
> Kasumi Harukaze just happened. I don’t know how it happened, but a plot bunny dropped in of Gwen befriending one of the kitsune, and when I got to rewriting the Audience Chamber section, Gwen ended up with a kitsune in tow. What happens long term over her won’t matter until Year 2. Hopefully. And we’ll try to keep the number of fox ‘familiars’ down to a low roar.  
I also wish to add a writing tip over writing stories like this, since it came up with something else that I was working on. Namely, concerning where you have a situation like in Dungeon Keeper or Overlord… Either version… or even Disgaea, where the protagonists are the group you’d normally be writing as the antagonists. Namely, in those situations, never ever ever try to figure out who the Good Guys are. The reason?  
**_There Aren’t Any._**  
In Dungeon Heart, Harry is more ‘good’, but only in that those who trumpet that they’re the forces of Light and Good and all that completely miss that they aren’t actually fighting evil, they’re just accessories to it’s rise to power, since they do Evil’s bidding without realising it. So, there’s no-one Good in Dungeon Heart. At all.  
I wish to add that the reference to bacon is due to the fact the spiritual successor to Dungeon Heart, War For The Overworld, has micro-pigs as the food of choice for the denizens of evil. Due to the sheer adoration owls have for bacon, there was no question about whether or not to add them later. A future option will also likely add lamb, from Overlord, to the menu.  
As you can probably guess, This chapter is brought to you by the musical sting 'Dah dah dah dah...' and the double finger snap, as well as the works of Charles Addams. Vaya Con Dios.

The morning dawned like any other in the shopping district known, unimaginatively, as Diagon Alley. People shopped, money was made, and a handful of Hogwarts students with their parents, quiet, peaceful and serene… It makes me sick. Thankfully, It all came to a screeching halt as a massive archway appeared in front of the Leaky Cauldron entrance, half a dozen figures stepping out before the archway collapsed in on itself and vanished.

"How rustic... How quaint... How socially backwards..." The central figure sighed, before, grinning like a loon, he declared, "Don't you just love it?"

The young man was dressed in a Black muggle suit, his hair slicked back, a pair of very expensive looking sunglasses perched on his nose. His suit was so Black that it absorbed the light into it, the only concession to colour being his red waistcoat and white shirt. The women flanking him were mostly clad in similarly Black cloaks, except for one, who stood near the back, who was dressed in a patchwork hooded shawl with a beak-like mask.

“Diagon Alley… Let’s not go into how many errors there are in that name. We don’t have all day.” One of the figures flanking him stated, “We have an Appointment.”

“Ah yes! Allonsy!” The man stated, with an energy and spiritedness that completely baffled several people as the group headed straight into the bank at the back of the shopping district. Lucius Malfoy noticed the group, for him and his son to attempt to join them.

"Half-blood?" He asked, curiously, feeling a sense of trepidation as he approached, "Your style is clearly muggle, but... different…"

"I am half-blooded, yes..." The strange young man stated, then, looking towards him, he smirked, pulling down his sunglasses before stating, "I believe your former master is familiar with me…"

At that moment, Lucius noticed the lightning bolt scar, and recomposed himself. This was no ordinary eccentric young man, this was the Boy Who Lived, the scourge of Lord Voldemort!

_The scar was restored after a brief argument between Gnarl, Hotaru and Gwen about the need for accuracy compared to the fact, according to Hotaru, his forehead looked so much better without it. We wish to point out that the sunglasses are included free with every Suit issued, and every single pair of sunglasses is individually paired with the Suit. Replacement sunglasses are done at great expense. It’s even more expensive if you damage the Suit. Partially since you’re only meant to ever get one Suit. Period._

“Now, if you’ll excuse me...” Harry stated, “I have an appointment in Gringotts,”

"I am heading that way myself. So, Mr. Potter, who is your entourage?" Lucius offered, keeping his emotions in check, "This here is my son, Draco Malfoy..."

“We have the Dark Lady Hermione Granger. Her reading material is frankly dangerous to everyone but herself...” Harry began, Hermione nodding, “We then have Hotaru Tomoe, the defacto ruling body of the Afterlife...”

Lucius suddenly had a worried expression. A dark sorceress of some kind, whose tomes likely meant she knew how to smite him a thousand different ways, and someone who was supposedly the person who summoned Death to send them to the great beyond. He barely noticed their steps had crossed the doorway of Gringotts.

_Actually, Hermione knew way more than that, but most of them require things she can’t yet afford to sacrifice. Also, Hotaru was more the ruling body of the Afterlife due to the fact she was so damn good at ending someone’s life at the mandated time _ _than her rule over Saturn. That just helped. Her and Hornicus did smiting competitions for a while, until she pointed towards a planet whose population were mandated to die in the planet’s destruction at a particular moment. She pointed, checked her watch, and immolated the entire planet. Period._

_From that point forward, no-one even asked why she was in charge of the Afterlife. On fear of cessation of existence. And, as a certain person who shall remain, blissfully and totally nameless, puts it… _

_ **It’s Showtime!** _

“Next we have Kimiko Kyousasha, a kitsune who I met around the same time… and Moppet Williams, a half-blood like myself...” Harry finished. He’d deliberately not said what her full lineage was. What Lucius didn’t know was that Harry had deliberately made the introductions within the earshot of both Lucius and the man doing the Hogwarts accounts at another teller. Jareth had made sure both were doing business at that particular hour. Also that the only available teller was at that exact location.

"A half-blood?" Lucius asked, "She seems to be nothing more than a servant... Is that who she is to you?"

A penny could drop in the bank and no-one would notice as every single teller grinned. The young woman who he’d just insulted knew every single goblin in the room, by name. Lucius had fallen into her trap, Hook, Line and Sinker.

_Admittedly, __while a penny wouldn’t be noticed,_ _a__nything __equal to or larger than a__ 50 pence piece or a single sickle __in value__ that dropped would be magically teleported to a set of scales, weighed to check it was real, then deposited within minutes of it hitting the ground, even if the tellers were apparently petrified. __A test was done with a million pound note, with Jareth returning it afterwards. It didn’t even hit the ground before the same spell had it disappear into a device designed to check for bank note forgeries._

_It has to be noted that part of the reason goblins hate the muggle banking system is the sheer number of rejections. They’re thankful for the plastic notes. They so far have mostly passed..._

"Oh, no, no, no..." Harry stated, having already noticed the Bank, literally, was watching every word, "Her lineage is equal, if not higher-born, than my own... She dresses like that due to an arrangement between her parents, which I am not privy to..."

"She dresses not much better than a common house elf!" Lucius scoffed, "What kind of foolish person dresses their own daughter like that?"

He barely even noticed that the teller closest to them was writing feverishly on his blotter, figuring out how large a fine he could give to the stupid wizard before he stopped talking. The fact the numbers were divided by a thousand and still were huge suggested a good day for the Bank.

"Even her last name, Williams. So common... So Muggle. Are you even sure her lineage is true? I think she is a liar," Lucius purred, "The rest of your group are so well-dressed, well-appointed. Whoever arranged the union between you and her... You have been had..."

Harry stopped, approaching the teller who had finished his report, holding his hand up for Lucius to stop talking. He'd already dug his own grave, several times over. Annoyingly, they couldn’t use the Bog. The Queen disliked the practice.

_Unfortunately, Dolores Umbridge wasn't there as well. Annoyingly, the stupid toad never actually did her banking directly with the goblins. She'd have probably insulted both Moppet AND Kimiko. _ _Thankfully, She’d be around in a few years. Just enough time for Moppet, Kimiko and Kasumi to all be there, and to cause several diplomatic incidents as a result. As well as a nice tidy sum just off insulting the princess of the Goblins. _ _Gringotts prides itself on the fact no-one has yet realised she _ _ deliberately _ _ dresses like that!_

"Excuse me, but I am here for my appointment..." Harry stated, Malfoy taken by surprise as the goblin simply nodded, opening the gate beside him to allow Harry to go on through with his full entourage. As he was about to attempt to follow, the goblin smirked cruelly.

"Lord Malfoy, If you are free right now, You have been requested to meet with King Jareth, over the matter of insulting His daughter, The Lady Moppet..." The goblin declared, "If not, we will give you a small charge of 1000 galleons per hour, rounding up, and you are looking at a minimum charge of 100,000 galleons for each insult of her..."

Lucius mentally swore. He'd seen her as dressing with a similar look to an elf. He'd not even thought about the fact her mask even more closely resembled a _goblin's_ face…

He’d just effectively insulted goblin _royalty_ right in front of several of their subjects. He then realised something else about what he’d said when he insulted her parents, just before the goblin twisted the metaphorical knife. "... Oh yes, and 2 million galleons for calling our lord and High King a fool and a liar..." The goblin finished, before, his mouth full of teeth, "So, Shall we go?"

Correction: He’d insulted the entire _royal family_ in front of several of their subjects. This would be expensive.

Severus Snape excused himself from his business with another of the tellers, collecting his part of what he was doing before making his way rapidly to the public floo to report what he’d just witnessed. The goblin in question was given a minor fine for the fact he’d not left anything behind, and had been efficient in removing all bankable assets.

Once Lucius was heading towards a meeting he’d not been wanting to have, and Severus Snape had also left, the teller positions closed for a staff rotation, with the goblins being kind enough to actually not wipe the blotters before they sat back down, which meant that the replacement actually knew what they’d been doing, unlike usual, where any deposits made before a staff rotation got accidentally forgotten. And any requests for memory improvement doubled the losses. And they banked the bribes anyway.

Unseen by anyone, Harry excused himself from where he was watching the proceedings in King Jareth's personal observation area, paying the required fees for requesting the specially planted tellers and the use of the room, in order to go do his shopping, Jareth himself heading to the office which had been set aside for him. Most of Mr. Potter's business with Lord Jareth would be done within the Tower later that evening, after they had finished with their current business.

“Ah, Mr. Malfoy,” Harry heard as he left, “Now, Shall you explain what you were doing insulting my daughter and wife, as well as myself? Time is money, especially for you. If it was the old times, I’d just have your head and be done with it, but at least _we_ are more civilized than that...”

_Jareth made an easy 3 million galleons off the entire performance, mostly off Lord Malfoy. About ten minutes after they left, Moppet was in her own meeting, with Lady Williams and the Ladies Granger the only other attendees, which would last until that evening, roughly about the same time as Lord Jareth arrived at the Tower for his real meeting with Lord Potter. _ _They'd specifically requested the meeting. I wouldn't know why._

_All I know is that a copy of Labyrinth was placed in a glass case in the library afterwards, apparently a family heirloom, with specific orders no-one is to invoke anything in it…_

Dumbledore looked up in confusion as Snape hurried into his office, looking shocked and terrified. He couldn’t understand Snape coming in shocked and terrified. Normally, he was the one who _caused_ the reactions.

“I was just witness to Lord Potter heading into Gringotts, with Jareth's DAUGHTER, and costing the Malfoy family over 2 million galleons in fines since he foolishly insulted several times either Jareth or his daughter!" Snape snapped, “You know, the so-called Princess Of The Underground, Crown Princess Of The Goblin Nation?”

"What the?! He's in Diagon Alley NOW?! And Jareth’s daughter is with him?!?" Dumbledore declared, genuinely shocked, since he’d only just finished making up her association with Mr. Potter when he’d heard the rumour himself, "Are the Weasleys shopping today?"

"Yes, thankfully. The youngest Weasley should successfully encounter him... The kitsune is real, His high standing with the goblins is real... Albus, you promised, you PROMISED you were making all that up!" Snape stated, as an owl appeared, transforming into Jareth, who was holding a pair of letters.

"I apologize. I forgot a couple of letters earlier..." Jareth stated, "Well, when one of them is 120 years old, and I was still planning on where Moppet would be going to school..."

Dumbledore accepted the letters, before Jareth left, and he looked over the names on the letters, before he steepled his fingers. He was not pleased. Not pleased at all. He was meant to make up Harry’s associations. Not have them literally drop into his in-tray.

"Apparently, some of my information is accurate… when it’s not meant to be. Or rather, someone is playing a massive prank on me..." Dumbledore stated, "Either way, WE have not insulted… Ms. Moppet Williams... yet. Please try to curb your usual enthusiasm if Lady Williams ends up in Gryffindor, we do not want to lose half our budget because 'The Headmaster's aide failed my daughter miserably'… or have you losing your head literally,"

"So, For now, we bide our time, and see how much of this is smoke and mirrors?" Snape offered.

"Has Quirrel returned from his sabbatical?" Dumbledore asked.

"Oh, Voldemort arrived earlier..." Snape offered sarcastically, "And Hagrid picked up the stone a few days ago... Are you sure this is still wise? Mr. Potter has a support base that is much more solid than we were expecting, much more accurate to the fictions you spun,"

"When have I ever been wrong?" Dumbledore asked.

_Let’s start with your activities with a ‘nice’ man named Gellert Grindelwald. And the amount of things you’ve done to assist the dark wizards to help reform them, without assisting them in the right ways. Yes, You’ve never been wrong in your life…_

_Well, I_ _f you were planning on becoming a Dark Lord in the future _ _anyway. If not, You’ve done plenty, _ _and we have a nice warm place for you to spend your afterlife. Well, except when someone makes a shock announcement in video games or movies. Then it’s freezing down there. _ _Every E3 in the past couple of years, Hornicus has handed out corporate-branded warm coats for a particular company’s presentation. Without Fail. _ _Damn you, Sakurai!_

At the same time as Snape was having his meeting, Ginny Weasley was looking forlornly at a single sickle, her money for getting something from Florean Fortescue, which wouldn’t get much. And even less if you had the appetite of a ravenous Tasmanian Devil, who could go through 100 galleons in minutes, and bankrupt a minor pureblood family in the same time as most people eat one serving. A girl then sat down across from her, who had similar looks to her own, and whispered something to the shop assistant, for her to come back with two massive ice creams, one of which she slid over to Ginny.

"Thank you, Miss..." Ginny half-asked, confused at the nonchalant way in which she got Ginny something that cost quite a few galleons.

"Kimiko Kyousasha..." She stated, sliding one of the Harry Potter books across the table, "I have gift from my master, and gift from myself. The ice cream is not the gift, nor is the book. You looked like you need the ice cream, and the book is my credentials,"

Ginny glanced at the book, then the girl, then the book. This was _the_ Kitsune Cub?! _The_ honest-to-goodness _real_ Kitsune Cub?!?

"He currently busy with supplies..." Kimiko stated, "However, You like me. Wonderful sense of humour, highly intelligent and aspire to be by Lord Potter's side years from now..."

"What are you saying?" Ginny asked, for Kimiko to smile, taking a wand out, Ginny giving it a quick flick, for it to feel right in her hand.

"The core is kitsune hair… personally donated," Kimiko stated, "Now, My master's gift..."

Ginny felt a surprisingly lightweight, thick black cloak being draped over her shoulders, then, as she looked back at where Kimiko had been, she was gone, along with the bowl for her ice cream. She felt like she was on cloud nine.

Harry Potter's personal kitsune familiar had granted her one of it's hairs for her wand, and, as she saw him walk along, she noticed that Kimiko and the dark-haired girl with him both had identical cloaks to the one he'd gifted her. And only they also had the same cloaks.

When they passed by, Kimiko motioned for her to stand, and she followed, somehow sliding the entire ice cream, without spilling it, into what she thought was the inside pocket of her new cloak, and she felt so right to be there, stood as part of the Boy Who Lived’s retinue.

"Lady Weasley, For now, we part..." Harry's voice stated, "One year from now, meet me here once more, wearing your Cloak. Be sure that you understand though, You serve me, you do not court me. To court me is to court disaster. I court Death, and she courts me..."

She then found herself alone, clutching her cloak to her, and she sat down, retrieving her ice cream, which seemed to have partially refrozen, but she didn't see any problem with that. When Molly met her later, She seemed oddly pale, relaxing slightly when she was told that Harry had singled her out. And she'd not even needed to push for the Weasley family and the Potter family to unify.

_Of course, She wasn't privy to the fact Ginny will never court Harry. Oh, she has a husband planned, and a role to play. But I think that Dumbledore's big plot is doomed to fail. Well, We already have Ms. Weasley in our pocket, and soon we will claim the entire school out from under him. And the nature of the Black Cloak..._

_Well, let's just say only two things normally wear clothes like that, as we will cover shortly, but suffice to say, Hotaru’s one is Cloak number 1. It’s inherited as part of her job description. Cloak Number 0 is stored in a glass case, in case of an Extinction Level Event on a universal scale._

_**That** Cloak is only used to turn out the lights on everything. The Death Of Existence has not yet been chosen. Thankfully._

Dumbledore knew what to expect in most cases. However, ever since that sinkhole had happened, he was having problems doing so. Whenever he encountered something usually predictable and easily managed, something went and made it so much harder. And annoyingly, it always involved the Boy Who Lived. Why couldn’t he remember his role, as the easily swayed ward of himself?! Why did he have to be _exactly what he’d written him to be!_

Right now, he was visiting the Weasleys to finalise the plans for Harry's rapidly approaching arrival at Hogwarts, when he found himself unable to properly focus on Ginny, who had a new cloak. When he could see her, he noted it was black. Very very black.

"You having the same problem?" Molly stated, "Since she got her new cloak off the Boy Who Lived, she has become almost impossible to keep track of. When she's wearing it, it's like she ceases to exist..."

It was a lucky thing he didn’t bring his sherbet lemons to that meeting, or he’d end up finding out the source of the cloak all too easily, as the one name he _didn’t_ want, but had expected, to hear came up. Yet again, That Boy had done something unpredictable. And in this case, It was _literally_ unpredictable!

"Ginny?" He called out, keeping his composure as a section of his sight seemed to twitch as Ginny appeared across from him, "May I have a look at your cloak?"

"Sure... But I want it back. It's one of my first real gifts off the Boy Who Lived..." Ginny stated, "I still have half the ice cream his kitsune bought for me inside it..."

“The other one was a custom made wand… Olivander looked at it, handed it back and closed up his shop for the rest of the day...” Molly stated, Dumbledore tuning her out. He didn’t need this. It had gone well beyond firewhiskey. You couldn’t get drunk enough on firewhiskey for what he needed.

Shortly later, Dumbledore headed to Diagon Alley. He didn't want to bring up yet that he felt the inside of the cloak, and couldn't find any suggestion of an inside pocket. Hell, he needed two or three tries to locate the material of the inside, and it was oddly chilling to the touch. This was not an ordinary cloak, and he doubted the wand was either. Heading to Madame Malkin's, he asked for her to tell him if there was anything unusual about the cloak.

“Oh, there’s plenty of things unusual about it. You know the Peverell Cloak, that's meant to be the Cloak Of Death?" Madame Malkin stated, Dumbledore nodding, "Despite not being very black, not muffling several aspects of movement… It’s a pretty good fake, I’ll say that, but this..."

Dumbledore looked down at the fact the cloak was the blackest black he'd ever seen, black enough to seem to be the cessation of colour rather than just that it was a dark fabric, then thought about the fact that Ginny had not just been invisible, she’d ceased to exist to the common man… or wizard.

"That is Reaper Cloak No. 2,384,975,016, assigned to Ginerva Molly Weasley, for **Handling Mortal Affairs**," Madame Malkin stated, pointing to a label on the inside of the cloak's collar, just above the inky blackness that was the inner surface, literally listing exactly that, "There's only one other type of cloak that's like this, and it belongs to the Dementors… This cloak _is_ a genuine cloak, issued by an agent of Death himself, to Ms. Weasley, and only Ms. Weasley,"

"So, What enchantments are on this cloak?" Dumbledore asked.

"There’s no… enchantments, per se. It’s made like that.” Madame Malkin stated, “One of my ancestors agreed to go with Death as long as she got to do a full work-up on his cloak,”

“So, she literally put off her trip to the great beyond...” Dumbledore asked, as she opened an old book, marked _‘Malkin’s Comprehensive Guide To Cloaks’_

“Yes, so she could catalogue the one cloak you’re only meant to ever see _once_,” Madame Malkin stated, “Ah, here it is, Death’s Cloak (Genuine)...”

Dumbledore looked to see the image beside it showed the Grim Reaper, scythe and all, with an annotation, ‘See also: Peverell Cloak – pg 293’.

“OK, It does not have an inner surface, per se," Madame Malkin offered, "Just an outer one, the fabric of which is not of this world, and an infinite blackness into which the owner, and only the owner, can put things and take them out. If the owner so wishes, they can be visible to everyone and only one person can see them, which an American wizard refers to, for some reason, as the Michigan Effect."

_The Michigan Effect refers to a strange ability, showcased by a species of frog that is native to, despite the name of the species, _ _a particular 60-acre location in _ _Burbank, California, _ _known locally as the Warner Brothers Studio Lot._

_For some reason, this particularly rare species has the ability to learn to sing show tunes... for strictly ONE person, and one person alone, _ _and drives that person insane trying to prove the fact the damn thing can do so._

_In the case of the Reaper Cloak, it refers to the fact, in most cases, the only person to see Death would be the poor idiot who just died. Hotaru granted their entire group an exception during the shopping trip. She can do that. **Only** She can do that. Thankfully, while there is allowance for several billion Reapers at once active in a reality fragment, There's been no extinction level events in centuries. God Bless America._

_As an aside, Harry's version of the Reaper Cloak is called The Last Suit, and is used both by some more modern Reapers and a group who do not exist, have never existed, and who do not have their main headquarters at 504 Battery Drive, New York, as well as [REDACTED] in the UK._

_They appreciate immensely the fact the 'pockets' are bottomless as much as the anonymity… And yes, The fact the Suits only come in Black._

Dumbledore nodded, realising that the fact Harry had someone who worked for Death as part of his entourage meant that he literally could just ask his tame Reaper for a cloak, and they’d just issue it. No questions asked. He didn’t _need_ the Peverell Cloak, He literally was invisible to practically anything.

"Anyway, Most of the time, anyone who has one of these cloaks and operates alongside mortals will keep it in their pocket..." Madame Malkin stated, before folding it, the cloak's strange inner dimensions meaning it could be folded up to be about the size of a medium-sized book, with almost no thickness to it.

"Right..." Dumbledore stated, and fled with the cloak back to the Weasleys. Harry had just given Ginny a cloak that was not a POSSIBLE 'Cloak of Death', but actually had an authenticity label on the collar, and explained away the fact his presence had already been forgotten. And why no-one knew what Death looked like.

_One Death’s about 4 foot 10, with dark hair and violet eyes, and wears a Japanese school uniform. I think you know who I mean..._

_Another has a Jamaican accent, and is the future husband of Mandy…_

_And yet another is currently moonlighting as a member of a hair metal band, which is having it’s comeback tour in 2020._

_In one particular universe even, Death is even a brunette girl who got hit by an aeroplane’s toilet._

_The point is that Death can be a lot of things. But one things for sure… DON’T FEAR THE REAPER!_

_..._

...

..._OK, __Don’t fear the reaper __**e**__**xcept**__ if it’s Hornicus. Over seven feet tall and with a scythe that could reap you without trying. If he’s the Reaper you’re dealing with, go right ahead. __Yes, He IS terrifying. __Especially if he’s coming for you..._

Thankfully, after that, things seemed to return to relative normality. But, on September 1st, Anyone who looked in on one of the compartments in the Hogwarts Express that year would have been allowed to assume that it was empty. If they even managed to notice the compartment was there in the first place.

The only person who actually could look in on the compartment was the snack lady, and that was purely since Hotaru had an imp go visit Saturn and pick her up a giant egg timer, which was sat under the table, having magically replaced the normal table supports.

"Why again do we have the giant egg timer under the table?" Harry asked, confused.

"I'd not take out your wands while it's here… You'd get the wrong thing..." Hotaru warned, "Anyway, It's the life timer for the snack lady, so she will, for until the egg timer is returned, be able to see all of us, despite the fact we're largely completely invisible to anyone in the train, and the concentration of all of us in this compartment means it's not visible,”

"Right, so no-one's going to come in abruptly and disturb us..." Hermione stated, taking out, and undoing the lock, on her book for it to fall open on a seemingly random page, "Ooh, that is a good choice..."

“No, The only people who’ll come in abruptly, they’re meant to...” Hotaru offered cryptically.

At the same time, Ron Weasley was confused. He'd been along practically the full length of the train, and he'd seen no sign of Harry Potter. He knew he’d got on the train, since Dumbledore had assured him that he’d got the letter. But he’d not found anything. His brothers then frowned, before walking across one of the carriages.

"Has someone..." Fred asked.

"...been messing..." George added.

"...with the length..." Fred continued.

"...of the carriages?" George finished.

"What do you mean?" Ron asked, "I can't find Harry, so I can't befriend him, so we can't get into his confidence..."

“Dear Brother… We know… exactly why… you want him...” They declared, “We know… all about… Molly’s ideas...”

They then continued counting, one counting one way, the other counting the opposite, and agreeing to meet halfway. At a particular point, however, they stopped, with a call of ‘Hey, you missed one!’

"Our dear twin has cracked it!" The other exclaimed, "We fell out of step right here..."

A tall figure with a scythe appeared out of the gap in space-time.

‘Please Stop Walking Past The Compartment’ The figure stated, ‘You Two Are Invited But Your Brother...’

The figure paused, looking at Ron before pointing a bony finger towards his pocket. ‘I Am Still Waiting On Your Rat To Snuff It. It Should Have Died A Long Time Ago.’

The missing compartment briefly snapped back into existence, The twins entering, before it vanished again along with the embodiment of Death, Ron heading for the nearest bathroom after a passing prefect used a Scourgify on him. That was not what he’d expected…

He was looking for Harry Potter, not to have Death put the fear of… well, Death into him! He was too young to have witnessed Death!

_Even a magical rat, especially treated how Ron treats it, should have snuffed it several times over. I don't know what's so important about the rat, because I've not been allowed to look at that part. Apparently, It's something about 'Spoilers', and that I already torment the fourth wall enough._

A short time later, Fred and George had discovered _quite_ why their brother hadn’t found Harry Potter. And that if Harry did court Death all the time, they’d not complain. She was very cute for a herald of someone’s demise.

"Now, Fred, George, I need your help with something..." Harry stated, as he took out a battered looking tape player, which had part of a wand haphazardly jammed in the battery compartment. The fact it was holly with phoenix feather showed how much Harry appreciated the brother wand issue.

"I need you to sneak this into the Great Hall, and spellotape the play button down. The tape is endless, and will randomly play variations on this sound byte..." He continued, pressing the play button for the player to play the sound of slow footsteps along with a muffled voice muttering something incomprehensible, and a weird, clearly artificial sound, all three fading out after a few minutes.

_The sound byte in question is the most terrifying sound ever for a ghost. Namely a Ghostbuster walking about doing an active sweep for PKE readings. _ _M_ _ost ghosts, exceptions including the Hillhurst Phantasm, The Ghostly Trio, Sayo Aisaka and, of course, Him, are prone to abrupt decisions about urgent appointments or jobs they forgot to do._

_All they do know is that they need to be anywhere except where the Ghostbuster is. The Hillhurst Phantasm has no reason for them to visit, The Ghostly Trio were declared Unbustable, Sayo Aisaka is a good friend of the Japanese branch, and He… Well…_

_He can’t stop prank calling them. At all. The phone bill at the Deetz residence, all calling one number, is astronomical._

_Haunting locii have been known to move several miles when a ghost is intelligent enough to know that the Ghostbusters are coming. And we mean the competent ones, not the ones where the gorilla is the smart member of the team…_

_Admittedly, they only bust very specific hauntings, all caused by Prime Evil. They were recently helped to move by the other Ghostbusters, after a terrorist incident caused their original building evacuate the area. They helped catch the building, and the other Ghostbusters moved back in._

"So, what's in it for us?" The twins asked, guessing this would be one hell of a prank. And they could probably copy the way the prank worked in an easier form later.

"I will grant you use of your own personal Last Suits, which are similar to Ginny’s new cloak, on the understanding that you put identical tape decks, which will be provided, under the central point of all four school tables. These four will be charmed to be inaudible to anyone except for ghosts, and unable to be found using magical means," Harry stated.

They then shook on it, and one of the girls took out two boxes, running a small silvery object across a label on one side, with some kind of logo on it, before immolating both device and label, then opening up the boxes to show the neatly pressed suit, a pair of sunglasses perched on top.

“You’ll find some kind of wallet with a card in it, as well as some kind of pen light, in the inside suit pocket, Do not take them out unless you see anyone in a similar suit and are specifically asked. Most people, the card will suffice,” the girl stated.

"By the end of the year, we hope to not need to use the Hogwarts Express, however traditional it is, to travel there, but we will still use it..." Hermione added.

"Might be useful... having an alternative way... to get into... the school…" The twins mused.

_The following hour or so was spent discussing things best left unsaid. Mainly to keep no-one from finding out what the twins planned next. And yes, We WILL get to Hogwarts next chapter!_

_Also, I wish to point out that the logo is for who you think it is. That’s part of why both the device **and** label get destroyed. The card is something called psychic paper, and was given to Them by a nice Doctor. And no, we don’t know which particular example, but it was at least their 8th incarnation. The previous seven all used proper ID. From the wrong decade._


	6. Attending Hogwarts... Or “Will The Real Harry Potter Please Step Forward?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, the chapter that we have all been waiting for… Hogwarts! I will apologize for how often I’ve updated recently, it was since I had a lot of things happen.  
I also wish to add that anyone complaining about the time frame of the first five chapters, go watch Mystery Science Theatre. Either the original or the Netflix remake.
> 
> _I personally prefer the remake. The Mads got what was coming for them. Finally._

Dumbledore looked apprehensive as he began his final staff meeting. According to his spies, Harry Potter hadn’t been seen on the train, but it had been confirmed he got onto the train. He suspected it was that damn cloak’s effect. He’d already passed a rule forbidding any clothing not part of standard school wear from being worn during classes, but he couldn’t forbid them completely. It would be overplaying his hand.

“Now, we will be having some special students attending this year. Hotaru Tomoe is a Reaper...” He began, for everyone to look his way in worry, for him to display a picture taken of her at great personal expense. Partially since she very rarely took her cloak off.

“Please, Just… Someone tell Sybil ‘We know, And no, they don’t want to do Divination’ when she tells us Death walks the corridors from this year onwards...” McGonagall stated, “Dumbledore, please look into a new History Of Magic teacher at the earliest opportunity. The current one is likely to end up leaving, permanently, as soon as she meets him,”

“It’s not much different from hiring a new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. ‘We apologize, but our previous DADA teacher quit-slash-died in unfortunate circumstances’… Nowadays we have a form letter for it,” Severus drawled, “Actually, considering that, Maybe this year, you might actually keep a Defence teacher. I’d have to check the exact wording on the curse...”

Dumbledore glared at Snape, knowing what curse he meant, and why he said it. Voldemort was effectively the DADA teacher this year, which _might_ mean that they actually could keep a DADA teacher longer than a year finally. If Harry didn’t kill him or the reaper remind him of the fact he’s a decade late for his appointment with her associates, which would not be much better. But he was right, Voldemort had cursed the position apparently _until_ he became DADA teacher. And he was, in a way, currently DADA teacher.

“Next, we have Moppet Williams...” Dumbledore stated, Flitwick’s eyebrows shooting into his forehead, “Yes, Her. Be on our best behaviour around her. She could cost the school… the school, and that’s not exaggerating. Now, let’s head down, any further issues can be discussed after the sorting...”

Hagrid knew what he had to do. Greet the first years, and guide them towards the boats. Easiest job possible. However, when he approached the group surrounding what was obviously Harry Potter, he wanted to run back to his hut and drink a barrel of firewhiskey. This over-arching fear he felt wasn’t helped by the fact one of them walked up to the thestrals drawing the carriages and gave them an apple, clearly able to see them with no trouble. Hell, the girl actually treated them not much different to regular horses, and vice versa.

“You keep these very well, They are not easy to handle… I will meet with Myrtle later,” She stated, Hagrid going slightly pale as she talked. No-one discussed that incident that got him expelled. Well, not and mentioned his name. The way she said it confused him. Why would her going to see Myrtle matter?

“Well, Umm… So, Who died so you can see them?” Hagrid asked, for her to look him directly in the eyes, with eyes that seemed to have seen eternity.

“I did. At least three times due to things I couldn’t control… I lost count of the rest,” The girl offered, taking out a card from her top pocket, marked ‘Tomoe Hotaru, Accredited Reaper 1’. As he looked at the card, he decided that whiskey wasn’t strong enough, realising why the girl was so familiar with the Thestrals, and would be visiting Myrtle later. Most people saw them since they had borne witness to Death. She saw them since she _was_ Death. Never mind the fact she was so nonchalant about her… own...

Ah, there was the unwavering terror again.

_Hotaru was first killed when she turned out the lights at the end of the Moon Kingdom, then was killed again when she had a ‘polite discussion’ with Nine about hurting the other senshi, then she was killed **again** when Sailor Pluto’s hubris got the better of everyone. She quit shortly after returning that time, and those were the only times she actually died due to circumstances beyond her control. Even without being a magical girl, she’s incredibly sturdy._

_And that’s without storing her soul in a reliquary as part of the process. She has a problem with It. And Madoka and Homura are Non-Accredited Reapers 847,594 and 846,595._

_Magical Girls on that system automatically get assigned a number, and we figure out the logistics of it much, much later._

He looked over the others in the group as she headed for the boats, noticing the hair of one of them was twitching while talking animatedly with Fred and George. When a fox tail came into view, he realised that this was a genuine kitsune. Now, _this_ he could deal with as soon as possible. He’d meet with Professor Kettleburn later about her.

“Excuse me, young lady...” Hagrid stated, “I couldn’t help but notice...”

“Ah yes, I’ll come visit you later and we can discuss… myself...” She stated with a light bow, Hagrid doing the best to bow back, before he composed himself and directed them to the boats.

_And you show a man who adores magical creatures, admittedly the more dangerous the better, an incredibly rare Japanese import, he’ll talk the ear off them. It’s not normal for a magical creature to be able to sit down and have a real talk about her life and species. Yes, she’ll be a hoot during Care Of Magical Creatures, due to being able to do the class on her own..._

McGonagall noticed a quiet, almost reverent hush over the normally talkative entrance hall. You put a group of 11-year-old students in a small space for longer than five minutes, and it’s almost always noisy. When she noticed a petite oriental girl wearing a black cloak and holding a halberd in a way that made her remember those she’d lost in the war against Grindelwald, she understood why.

Both why she could remember those she lost AND why the entrance hall was quieter than a tomb. Just standing like that, she invoked part of what being a Reaper did for those they met.

“Ah, Ms. Tomoe...” She stated, lips pursed, “Please put your equipment away, you’re scaring everyone...”

“I am sorry, McGonagall-sensei, It’s a bad habit...” Hotaru stated, considering something, before putting her cloak’s hood up, the halberd changing into a scythe, as her height increased by half again, and a skull burning with purple fire looked into her soul. McGonagall simply cast a wide-area Scourgify, and resisted the urge to faint. It would not do to faint in the face of Death. She was a Scot!

“Now, If You Will Excuse Me… I Believe You Have Some Ghosts Who Shouldn’t Still Be Here...” The figure stated, it’s voice completely different to the young girl every fiber of her being was telling her had been there a minute earlier.

McGonagall watched the girl leave, deciding she’d mention to Dumbledore that yes, normally she was a nice, polite young woman, she _was_ still a personification of Death.

“Has she gone?” She heard one of the walls state, before the normal retinue of ghosts floated through, the ghost in question telling her, “Worst thing for a ghost. A Reaper walking in. They remind you of the fact, yes, You Are Dead, and that they need you to attend an appointment with them. Urgently,”

“How so?” She asked.

“To discuss Unfinished Business, and whether it still is unfinished...” The ghost said simply, then floated back away. What was it that Death was considered to be…? And why was the ground rushing up to meet...

A short time later, she woke up to see Poppy, and the girl was back stood with the others. She decided not to think about Hotaru too much. Especially when she was wearing her cloak. And she was quietly thankful she _had_ only fainted after she allowed herself to think about it too hard.

At the same time as McGonagall fainted, On one of the third floor bathrooms, Myrtle Warren looked up as a tall figure entered, the scythe and skeletal appearance telling her exactly who it was. The cloak’s hood then came down, and she was surprised when the figure turned into a pretty first year. She then somehow handed her a card, along with a pamphlet, the card telling her that hadn’t been an illusion, yes, the pretty first year was her long delayed appointment with Death.

“The name’s Hotaru Tomoe. Come walk with me...” She stated, warmly, “I have a more pressing appointment, but I would like an audience for this next one...”

Myrtle followed her, finding herself walking, despite the fact it wasn’t even that direction, into the History Of Magic classroom, the two of them having the appearance of some students.

“Classes haven’t started yet. Please...” Professor Binns declared, then, when he saw Hotaru’s staff and the fact she was wearing not a school cloak but a deep Black cloak, his voice left him, as he pointed, terrified, stammering, “I d-d-d-don’t w-w-want to go… Please! I have classes to teach! Don’t reap me!”

Myrtle watched the rapid transformation of her new friend into Death once more, before she raised her scythe.

“It Is Your Time… Your Business ended years ago...” Hotaru stated, and the scythe flashed… and History Of Magic abruptly had a vacancy. Hotaru then put her hood back down, while the halberd shrank down until it was about the same size and thickness as a wand, Hotaru muttering about Hogwarts uniforms not having a top pocket, and going to discuss the fact with one of her staff.

“So, are you going to… reap me next?” Myrtle asked, for a figure to step out of a massive tear in space-time.

“No, Your business in this world isn’t finished yet… But you are needed somewhere else, You can get reaped when two wrongs are righted, and your death is solved...” Hotaru stated, as Hornicus took Myrtle’s hand, “I’ll be back for you later, I need to go get sorted,”

Once Hotaru had rejoined the first years, a house elf approached Dumbledore

“We have a vacancy in History Of Magic...” It stated to him, for Dumbledore to look confused, “His classroom is empty,”

He’d floo call Bathsheba Babbling later, realising one of the problems of having a Reaper at the school. Teachers who ‘forget’ to pass on… abruptly do, and without letting him know they’d quit the position.

“Mr. Dumbledore, Your professor decided his unfinished business was to ensure no wizard ever will trust a goblin,” Ms. Tomoe stated as she exited a distortion that he could barely perceive, “It was declared null and void, and he’s been given a new teaching job at a much more suitable school… Also, Myrtle’s unfinished business is still unfinished, but some people might need the bathroom there, so she’s left for now for somewhere more comfortable, with an actual bed that spirits can use. She’s got the first opportunity to properly rest in years.”

_Professor Binns now works at _ _Maritsu Jaaku Gakuen, _ _currently under the ownership of Dean, and Overlord, Mao, no relation to the Korean leader, _ _which _ _is one of the best schools for those who wish to learn evil. Admittedly, classes are strictly, strictly optional. In fact, attendance is so optional, attending classes _ _consistently _ _is a punishable offence._

_Yes_ _, we did basically throw Professor Binns at the one school where he’ll find half his students don’t give a shit what he’s teaching, _ _and the other half will not even attend_ _. Admittedly, considering most students slept during his class, _ _That’s nothing new. He might actually get a few delinquents attend, but that’s unlikely. _ _I’m looking forward to when some of the monsters attend, _ _and he tries his usual class._

“OK, Now we can get on with the sorting...” McGonagall declared, holding up the roll of parchment, “When I call your name, you will come forward… Abbot, Hannah!”

The hat on the stool, which was giving Hotaru dirty looks, was soon put on Hannah’s head, for it to declare ‘HUFFLEPUFF!’, Dumbledore noticing something. The house ghosts hadn’t even arrived.

“They looked in, went pale, then fled,” The same house elf as earlier stated, as another Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw were sorted, “And they’re not coming back until Lady Reaper leaves. Period.”

Dumbledore didn’t like that. Just because she represented the fact that a ghost had to move on eventually, that didn’t mean they couldn’t be in the same room, did it?

Yes, Hagrid was currently getting himself blind drunk in Hogsmeade, and McGonagall had to be revived for some reason, but the ghosts were sterner stuff, surely…

“Granger, Hermione...” McGonagall soon came to in the roll call, for the hat to scream, as she was approaching, “RAVENCLAW! RAVENCLAW! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!”

Oh god, now he knew why he was not feeling up to doing this year. it was going to be one of _those_ sortings. He’d already lost one teacher, the ghosts were terrified they’d be told their time in this world would end shortly, and the sorting hat was having panic attacks. Kimiko Kyosasha went also into Ravenclaw, then it got to Harry Potter.

“Gryffindor, definitely Gryffindor...” The hat stated in a flat, even tone, McGonagall looking at it worriedly, especially when it came to the Reaper who had just apparently retired the History Of Magic teacher.

“Tomoe, Hotaru...” She declared, for the hat to give a very very flustered look, followed by something resembling constipation.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“He’s meant to study the history and life experiences of the person, right?” Hotaru asked.

“Yes...” Dumbledore stated.

“I have several lifetimes so far...” Hotaru stated, “Very _long_ lifetimes...”

“Slytherin…” The hat stated after a short pause, “Did you really know Jesus?”

“I told his father off about how oblique his visions were...” Hotaru replied, “I actually got into my 30’s around that era...”

Dumbledore looked like he’d swallowed a lemon drop wrong as the knut dropped. That was estimated to be nearly two thousand years ago. She then handed him a card. He sighed, looking at it, guessing it was her equivalent of the identification plate on the inside of the cloak. It shouldn’t be too much trouble. Ginny’s temporary ID number, from her cloak, was a nice high number...

“Umm...” He stated, handing it to McGonagall, who went slightly pale. Reaper Number 1. She summoned a house elf, and was handed a bottle, which she took a long draw from, Dumbledore considering it before doing the same.

“There is a Reaper 0, but he’s retired,” Hotaru stated, twirling a purple covered stick with what resembled the head of a halberd on one end, “I want to talk with you about your wand...”

“Of course,” Dumbledore stated, trying not to think that he needed to do a minor revision to the Harry Potter books. She was effectively the not-so-Grim Reaper, and was pretty much the closest you could get to the definitive Death, rather than his daughter or similar. And she knew full well about the ‘Deathly Hallows’, meaning damage control...

“Lady Moppet Williams, Princess Of The Goblins...” McGonagall declared, and the hat grinned like a shark.

“Sssssss… RAVENCLAW!” The hat declared, and Hotaru promptly cursed as Snape only fainted. She was hoping for a fatal heart attack.

Draco Malfoy didn’t like what his school year was looking like it would be, as he considered the petite oriental girl who was preparing sushi, after a discussion with one of the house elves. All he knew was that she reminded it sushi was much better hand-made, and an overwhelming feeling of dread hung around her.

“Fugu, my favourite...” She sighed, “Now, Please will all students who wish to attack me due to my association with Mr. Potter please sign this list?”

“What’s that list?” Draco asked, signing it after a pause.

“It’s a list I started during one of my side-jobs. I kept getting death threats off one of my colleagues, due to my main job...” She explained, “So, I’m used to it, and make sure to get their names before I end up having to hurt someone who didn’t mean it. Of course, if you sign the list, and do go through with it, I am allowed to overrule your life timer...”

She then slid the list into the inside of her cloak, before she thought about something, then vanished into a barely perceptible tear in space, coming back for the cloak she had been wearing almost since she arrived to now look similar to a school robe. She then got up, and did the same adjustment to the cloaks of her associates.

“Professor Dumbledore, I consulted with the Cloak’s manufacturer, and he approved modifying them to double as school robes,” She stated to the Headmaster, who nodded. She’d discovered the one clause he’d not expected. When you’re the head of the Afterlife, you can request temporary adjustments to the cloaks, like making them at least resemble school robes.

_Note that, yes, she was eating one of the most poisonous forms of sushi known to man. Unlike most people who enjoy eating fugu, she hasn’t got a death wish. Similar to the Addams Family, she treats deadly danger as something to go into the middle of. Notably, The Addams don’t have a death wish, it’s just Death doesn’t wish to meet the Addams.  
Admittedly, Death is meant to walk, completely disinterested, into the last minutes of someone’s life, even if it’s in the middle of a war zone, since you’re the personification **of** Death, you don’t need to worry about dying yourself. Usually._

After the sorting and the students had gone to bed, the heads of house met with Dumbledore.

“The boy has released Death upon my house!” Snape declared, somewhat over-dramatically.

“No, I released Death upon your house. Get it right...” The sorting hat offered, to get a glare from both Dumbledore and Snape, “And Flitwick isn’t terrified of the girl with the book killing everyone… You worry too much!”

“I’m sure you did that last sorting deliberately,” Snape growled.

“I consulted with her father shortly after we got to the common room...” Flitwick stated, “The hat wanted to pick Gryffindor...”

Snape visibly wept. He was going to have seven years bad luck. And he’d not even glanced at a mirror recently.

“Anyway, Other than Snape and Trelawney wanting to quit, and Professor Binns quitting...” Flitwick stated with a goblin’s grin, “Ms. Granger almost ended up in Slytherin apparently, then it stopped reading into what her book contains. It contains dark rituals, terrible spells and all the fun curses… That was Ms. Granger’s opinions on the subject. She’s otherwise highly intelligent and outside of the book, so she’s a quintessential Ravenclaw,”

“Think she got possessed by it?” Dumbledore asked.

“Undoubtedly. It’s had to be locked in a strongbox in my room because almost every single student in Ravenclaw Tower has tried to read it at least once...” Flitwick stated, looking at a glowing stone before sighing, “_At least_ once… The security charm keeps going off as someone else tries to break open the strongbox...”

“So, Kimiko Kyosasha… What is she doing at the moment?” Dumbledore asked.

“She’s been sat in Hagrid’s hut all evening after she was sorted. She’s looking into finding him a pygmy dragon and whether any kitsune are available for adoption...” Flitwick continued, “After that, she got a pass to go hunting in the forest for the evening...”

“You allowed her into the forbidden forest after dark?!” Dumbledore declared, in shock.

“She needs to do at least 2 hours as a fox a day, preferably between 10pm and midnight,” Flitwick stated, finding the right passage in a book, “And in some ways, she’s more dangerous than the forest...”

Dumbledore sighed. “Any other issues?” He asked.

“The ghosts are terrified, Sybil is declaring we’re all doomed, and Ms. Tomoe reports that the DADA position is no longer lethally cursed. Also she muttered something about…” Snape began, the colour draining from his face before he called a house elf, as he realised _why_ she’d stated that, “Excuse me, but can you tell me where is Professor Quirrel?”

“Poppy managed to recover him, but she doesn’t think he’ll last the night. Not helped by the annoyed Reaper sat at the foot of his bed since she has class in the morning...” The house elf declared. The speed at which the room emptied was legendary. They’d not considered that she’d reap the DADA teacher!

They arrived at the Hospital Wing to see the Reaper form of Hotaru looking very annoyed at a groaning, but still just about alive, Quirrel, who was laid, exposing his back, which had a gaping hole in it.

“Care To Remove His Turban?” The hulking figure asked, Dumbledore doing so as carefully as he could, the terrified face of Voldemort looking at the figure sat across from him.

“I will not die today!” Voldemort declared, for the Reaper to do a gesture similar to dusting their fingers on their top.

“Oh, No, I’m Here For Quirrel. Having Half A Man Arrive For His Appointment Isn’t Pretty, So We Are Waiting For The Rest.” Hotaru stated, “Although, I Will Warn You… Voldemort...”

She then reached into her cloak, taking out what looked like an egg timer, a small pinch of sand stuck in the top, bouncing about as it wanted to drop. “When They’re Gone, They’re Gone.” She stated, then the blade of her scythe flashed, and Voldemort’s shade floated out of the window as a much healthier Quirrel stepped out of the corpse.

“I’m sorry, but I might not be able to do DADA this year, Albus...” Quirrel stated, “Had a bit of a problem in Romania...”

“No problem. We’ll look into a replacement...” Dumbledore replied, trying to come to terms with the fact his DADA teacher just expired, and his shade just apologized for failing to do his job for that year, “Any more teachers going with you?”

“Not This Year… I Hope,” Hotaru declared, shifting back once Quirrel’s shade had exited to the afterlife, “Mind if we have that meeting now?”

Dumbledore looked at the young woman sat across from him a short time later. As she studied the cloak and wand.

“Now, I’m sure you know the Peverell Cloak is fake. Closest attempt to copy the Malkin tear down in history… Fabric is mortal-sourced, and it doesn’t have the multi-dimensional void inside. Admittedly, a real Death Cloak can turn someone into a Reaper. I will state that it is genuinely Mr. Potter’s heirloom,” Hotaru stated, “While it is not here, The Resurrection Stone is genuine, but useless due to a curse placed on it. The Elder Wand… Now, I know it’s not the wand of the First Reaper...”

Hotaru took out a slender box, which she opened to show a slender and perfectly smooth rod of Black, taking out her cloak for it to turn into a gleaming scythe with a rod that blended seamlessly with the cloak, both returning to normal a few moments later, Dumbledore realising that WAS the wand of the First Reaper. He handed her the wand, for her to test it, getting a Scythe, but nowhere near the magnificence of the one she’d just used.

“But it IS a wand that belonged to one of the Reapers after them...” Hotaru replied, “No lesser copy could create a Scythe. There’s some unique aspects of Death’s Wand. And yes, there is a damn good reason it’s an expert duelling wand,”

Dumbledore nodded. She had at least done the equivalent of an authenticity check on one of the Wizarding World’s oldest relics. To confirm the Death Stick _was_ the wand of an _aspect_ of Death was good enough for him.

“Now, I apologize about reaping Quirrel,” Hotaru stated, “Firstly, he was already dead due to the possession. Secondly, I will state that it was needed to remove the curse temporarily. Once the Horcruxes are dealt with, I should be able to pick apart the rest of the curse,”

“It’s not every day you witness someone’s last moments like that...” Dumbledore stated, for Hotaru to wave to someone out of sight.

“Yes, and someone here has some unfinished business...” Hotaru stated, “I will state that this is what the Resurrection Stone is designed for. You have one hour, then she will see you again when your time comes,”

“Brother, I… I was turning into an Obscurus, You know what that means...” Dumbledore heard, looking up, and one of the weights that hung over him fell away, Hotaru taking Ariana away after she told him, categorically, neither him nor Grindelwald truly killed her. She deliberately allowed herself to be caught in the cross-fire, since her time was already short.

A few hours later, Snape noticed Hotaru arrive.

“Why were you out of the Common Room after lights out?” Snape asked, trying to work out how to deal with Hotaru’s presence in his house.

“I helped an old man find closure, and a wrong be righted...” Hotaru stated, enigmatically, pointing her wand at him, “Past, Present, Future, Scrooge, Look It Up. There’s a reason the last ghost looks like he does.”

When Snape did, he needed yet another firewhiskey when he realised the third ghost from that legendary story was a perfect description of a Reaper. She’d just sat down with Dumbledore and gave him similar treatment, and likely cleansed him, figuratively, of some of his hubris.

_The last ghost isn’t a ghost. It’s the, ahem, case worker who helped with the rest of the session. Suffice to say, one of the other two ghost’s unfinished business is the fact there will always be misers at Christmas. The other ghost actually does pass on, and the third ‘ghost’ is the same person who takes him away._

_All Ghosts Of Christmas Present were a Scrooge in life, but a generous and kind man in death. Their unfinished business is to ensure the next man in line doesn’t go the same way as them. Once they’ve managed to change a Scrooge’s heart, they pass on. So far, they’ve been completely successful._

Snape had made quite a few plans for his first Potions lesson with the Boy Who Lived, intending to humiliate the spawn of James Potter. However, all those plans went and failed as he found himself unable to do so.

What didn’t help was the aura that hung round Ms. Tomoe, that kept reminding him of when he’d bent to peer pressure and began calling Lily that hateful term. And she knew she was doing it.

“Good morning, and welcome to your Potions lesson...” He stated slowly and evenly, strengthening his mental barriers against the images of happier times, of the brief time he’d flirted, in his own way, with the pretty redhead.  
Over the following hour, he busied himself with actually doing the lesson. By halfway through the two hour lesson, he stood up, walked out of the room and everyone winced as they heard a horrific howl of anguish. After about ten minutes, the class dismissed themselves, wondering where Severus Snape had gone.

He was later suspected to be seen taking one of the carriages into Hogsmeade, and then was seen no more.

During lunchtime, Dumbledore was stood at the staff table.

“Unfortunately, due to work-related stress, Severus Snape has taken a long term sabbatical from teaching,” Dumbledore stated.

“From what we heard, Some of St. Mungo’s Spell Damage specialists took him in,” Fred (or was it George) stated.

“He checked himself in, babbling something about Lily and begging her forgiveness...” George (I think, maybe) continued.

“I’ll cover that...” Hotaru stated as she practically glided over, “A unfortunate side effect of my side-career is that people with regrets...”

She paused, before adding, in a stronger tone, “They _regret… _I had to bring in outside help to avoid causing the headmaster to quit as well...”

“Due to this problem, we have begun a new program with classes, using smaller, single-house sessions for all classes...” Dumbledore chipped in.

“And it has nothing to do with the fact your deputy fainted before the sorting?” Hotaru asked.

“I will admit that is part of the reason. We all have regrets, some of us worse than others,” Dumbledore stated.

“You made Snape quit by having him face the fact he’s a bastard?!” One of the twins stated. Hotaru just smiled and walked off, “OK, We need to do better, dear brother. When Death can do a better job than us, we need to do better!”

_We could go into great detail over what happened over the rest of this year. Unfortunately, due to Quirrel departing from the position of DADA teacher, Professor Binns leaving the school forever and Snape going on a long-term sabbatical, there’s not much really to discuss._

_I will state that the Cerberus was left in the room, and they just never installed the trap door. There was no reason to. Voldemort had, quite literally, left the building._


End file.
